Another mother's day come and gone, and my heart is tired from the range of emotions it experienced once again.
Saturday we had Steve's parents up for the day just to have some time with them for Mother's Day. It was a day filled with errands, yard work, grilling, and Cold Stone. :)
On Sunday after church, Steve and the kids "surprised" me with a trip to Red Robin for lunch. When we got home, we all took nice long naps, I worked on some pinkadink stuff, and then watched a bunch of Friday Night Lights while Steve worked at the computer. (Steve's parents got me the first season, and Steve and the kids got me the other two, a MAJOR surprise on Saturday night. I was SO excited!)
Typing it all out, it sounds a lot like many mothers' blog posts would sound. A good productive weekend with a few surprises and going out to eat. And it was really wonderful. But there's so much I can't explain in a blog post either...like wishing more than anything my mom was a phone call away, or that we could just have her over for the day, or even skype with her on this special day. anything, really...
I'll be honest. I have this 'thing' where I unfairly compare my loss to other people's. Ya know, like 'oh, your grandma died? that's sad, but at least you still have your mom.' It's so stupid really. But it's so real. And I hate that I do it. I even did it to my husband after his grandpa died, and immediately felt like bursting into tears because I couldn't believe I could be so insensitive. It's not like I SAY what I wrote up there. But I say other things. And I certainly THINK LOTS of other things too. It's the part of me that is still grieving the loss of my mom so badly I guess. And it's so unfair of me to feel like MY loss is greater than anyone else's.
Because, while my heart still aches over the loss of my mom, I have so much to be thankful for. After all, I did get 25 wonderful years with her. I was able to experience things with her that my siblings never will. my wedding, the birth of my baby. She was able to make such an impression on my life that I know she lives through me. And lots of daughters can't say that, even if their mom is alive.
I know of people who have lost their mom as an infant, or as a small child, or a teenager. I know people who have lost their wife, and the mother of their children much too soon, and people who are mourning the loss of babies they never got to hold, or didn't get to hold long enough. I know there's a mother who lost her little one yesterday, and a mother who's little one got a second (or third, really) chance at life because of it. And I think about my brother and my sister, who don't have anything to think about on this day besides our mom. No attention given to them like my other sisters and I do. And Mother's Day has to be just as hard on all of them, if not harder. I can't even begin to imagine celebrating Father's Day without Steve, or Mother's Day while trying desperately to conceive a baby, or having HAD a child, who's room now sits empty. They are feelings that I've never had to feel, thankfully, and can't imagine what it would even be like.
So here I sit, realizing that despite the loss of my mom, I'm blessed as can be. I have three wonderful, beautiful, healthy children. I have a husband who appreciates what I do for this family, and tells me he does (every day, but ESPECIALLY yesterday). :) I have a mom who lives in me, who rocked me, raised me, loved me, and challenged me for 25 years. who taught me about God, and what it means to trust Him, in life and in death.
And looking at my kids, I realize how much I learned from her as a mom. Most days I feel like I'm just not doing things quite right. I yell too much, and snuggle too little. They watch TV too much, and read too little. I expect too much, and give too little. But when I look close, and see their hearts for others, the love they have for us, and the way they worship God, I realize I'm doing something right. And it's probably because I learned from the best.