we survived...barely.

ohhhhhhhhh man....

who would have thought that today would be so emotional. remember how I JUST wrote that I was ready for this day? apparently my head was, but my heart was not. :(

I don't even know what to say about it.

I knew she was really nervous. She was telling me that she didn't want to leave this early and get home at four, that it was too long. And that she didn't want to ride the bus (she knew that was coming, even though she didn't ride it today), and that she didn't know if she was going to make friends, and that she wanted to eat lunch with me. And seriously, how am I supposed to be strong after that? It was all stuff we had talked about before, but my heart was slowly breaking, all the way to school.

When we finally got there, I climbed in the back seat of the van and prayed with her, only I LOST IT in the middle of the prayer. And when she realized I was just not saying "amen" she looked up at me with her big brown eyes and saw me bawling. And oddly enough, that seemed to make her stronger. So I got a grip, and we went into the school with tearstained cheeks and bloodshot eyes.

Long story short, the little girl I do daycare for who also goes to the school didn't have her transportation info lined up yet, so the school wouldn't put her on the bus with Lillian. So I ended up picking them up after school too. Lillian was so relieved that she didn't have to ride the bus alone, and to be honest, I was too. But anyway, it took a long time for us to get that all figured out, so I was waiting in the hall a while too, and just couldn't stop the tears.

Thank goodness that my sister and brother were visiting, so it gave me a chance to leave my kids and the daycare baby here while I took Lillian to her first day, and again while I picked her up. I don't know why I'm always surprised when God works out really awesome situations like that.

This afternoon, I expected a smiling, excited, and bubbly 5 year old to come bounding out of the school, and I guess she was like that. But it wasn't because she loved school, it was because she finally got to be back with me. She barely said anything except "bad day" and "the WHOLE second recess I just sat on the bench the WHOLE time because I was SO sad and I missed you so much, and when I thought about it, it almost made me cry." That's how she summed up the whole day. BREAK MY HEART.

So tonight she lays in her bed, scared to death to leave the in the morning and get on the bus. She asked to sleep on our bedroom floor so she could be close to me, and I almost want to let her. But of course I know that the longer it takes us to get into a rhythm of how life will really be, the worse it will all get. So we'll just have to get through it.

and hope that tomorrow I can keep my composure. But it's not looking likely since i can't even write this blog post without crying...

so, how 'bout some pictures of her first day. and then I'll head to bed, because we all know that 'sleepy makes weepy.'


*my big girl on her big day


*saying goodbye to their big sis (Brielle JUST got out of bed).

*a hug from the J-man

*a hug from Brielle

*a hug from a mama trying desperately to be strong
*trying to figure out how my little baby got so big!
*by her locker (can you tell she's getting nervous???)


*she found Kaylee, which helped the nerves a little


*right before mommy left and cried some more



okay, so at least I have cute pictures to remember the day by. Here's hoping that we survive tomorrow. (the whole bus thing might get the best of me...)