exhausted...

I'm finding myself SO tired lately. And let me assure you, it's NOT for a lack of rest. Every night at about 7:30 or for SURE 8:30, I find myself resting on the couch, almost unable to move. And then at about 10:30 or 11, I find myself still there.

It's that terrible cycle where I know that if I'd just get my butt up and exercise, then I'd have way more energy every day. But it's that whole UP word that's throwing a kink in things. :)

But the other day I was reminded by this incredible article, why exactly it is that I'm exhausted. It's not necessarily even a physical exhaustion. It's just everything.

Have you read this? If you're a mom I'm sure you'll love it. If you're a dad, I'm sure you'll appreciate it. If you're a single parent I'm sure you're just plain awesome. I'm not sure I could do all this alone. And thankfully, I don't. But I DO do it all day, which is...well...exhausting. :)

So here's to all parents out there, and the 7 little ones in my care that I love so dearly, even when I'm exhausted.

(if you click on it, you can see it bigger)

bus party

You know that feeling when your heart breaks in a million little pieces?
That feeling has come over me about a million times this week.
And that's just too many millions.

We've come a long way this week. Lillian went from: being brought to and picked up from school, bawling and begging not to go, clinging and crying when I had to leave, begging to sleep in my room just for a little more time with me, and even hiding from me in the morning once, to: riding the bus home yesterday, crying just a little, a "good" day yesterday, riding the bus to AND from school today, and an "awesome!" day today to top it all off! Today still had its struggles for sure. She was scared to death to get on the bus, and cried a little bc she lost her kissing stone. But the girl who came off the bus this afternoon is the girl I knew would show up eventually.

It was so strange...watching this little person who you think you know as well as yourself act TOTALLY different than you ever expected in a situation. I'm so glad to see she's getting through it.

On Monday I thought we'd never get there. (I mean, I KNEW we would, but it just FELT like we wouldn't.) And today she doesn't even have time to talk or snuggle with me. She's too busy playing.

it's good.

To get Lillian excited about riding the bus to and from school today, I made a 'bus cake' to celebrate the day. My friend Jeannie made one for her kids for a back to school treat, and I thought it'd be perfect for a riding the bus treat too. :)

The kids think I'm the cake boss. :) but I think I'll leave the cake baking to Sara Crane. :)

here it is....the "masterpiece" ;)


so proud of herself for riding the bus (or maybe just excited to eat the cake)
(see how the wonderfully constructed school bus stayed in tact? never mind the fact that it went completely lopsided and now looks like a cartoon or something. the kids didn't care!)


and a (sort of) group shot.
happy happy day. :)

we survived...barely.

ohhhhhhhhh man....

who would have thought that today would be so emotional. remember how I JUST wrote that I was ready for this day? apparently my head was, but my heart was not. :(

I don't even know what to say about it.

I knew she was really nervous. She was telling me that she didn't want to leave this early and get home at four, that it was too long. And that she didn't want to ride the bus (she knew that was coming, even though she didn't ride it today), and that she didn't know if she was going to make friends, and that she wanted to eat lunch with me. And seriously, how am I supposed to be strong after that? It was all stuff we had talked about before, but my heart was slowly breaking, all the way to school.

When we finally got there, I climbed in the back seat of the van and prayed with her, only I LOST IT in the middle of the prayer. And when she realized I was just not saying "amen" she looked up at me with her big brown eyes and saw me bawling. And oddly enough, that seemed to make her stronger. So I got a grip, and we went into the school with tearstained cheeks and bloodshot eyes.

Long story short, the little girl I do daycare for who also goes to the school didn't have her transportation info lined up yet, so the school wouldn't put her on the bus with Lillian. So I ended up picking them up after school too. Lillian was so relieved that she didn't have to ride the bus alone, and to be honest, I was too. But anyway, it took a long time for us to get that all figured out, so I was waiting in the hall a while too, and just couldn't stop the tears.

Thank goodness that my sister and brother were visiting, so it gave me a chance to leave my kids and the daycare baby here while I took Lillian to her first day, and again while I picked her up. I don't know why I'm always surprised when God works out really awesome situations like that.

This afternoon, I expected a smiling, excited, and bubbly 5 year old to come bounding out of the school, and I guess she was like that. But it wasn't because she loved school, it was because she finally got to be back with me. She barely said anything except "bad day" and "the WHOLE second recess I just sat on the bench the WHOLE time because I was SO sad and I missed you so much, and when I thought about it, it almost made me cry." That's how she summed up the whole day. BREAK MY HEART.

So tonight she lays in her bed, scared to death to leave the in the morning and get on the bus. She asked to sleep on our bedroom floor so she could be close to me, and I almost want to let her. But of course I know that the longer it takes us to get into a rhythm of how life will really be, the worse it will all get. So we'll just have to get through it.

and hope that tomorrow I can keep my composure. But it's not looking likely since i can't even write this blog post without crying...

so, how 'bout some pictures of her first day. and then I'll head to bed, because we all know that 'sleepy makes weepy.'


*my big girl on her big day


*saying goodbye to their big sis (Brielle JUST got out of bed).

*a hug from the J-man

*a hug from Brielle

*a hug from a mama trying desperately to be strong
*trying to figure out how my little baby got so big!
*by her locker (can you tell she's getting nervous???)


*she found Kaylee, which helped the nerves a little


*right before mommy left and cried some more



okay, so at least I have cute pictures to remember the day by. Here's hoping that we survive tomorrow. (the whole bus thing might get the best of me...)

a list of thoughts

1. I have a major headache, and it's positively not from a lack of caffeine.

2. I'm hoping that the supper fairy shows up at my door tonight with meal in hand. If she doesn't, we just might be having Cap'n Crunch for supper.

3. I used to think it was really hard to have three kids. Then I started doing daycare for Nolan and realized four was hard, and three was easy. Then I lost Nolan :( but added three more, and then I thought that four was easy, and six was hard. And this week I added another baby. So now I think that six is easy. And when it's just my three??? piece of cake. (til after 8:00 when i turn into an ogre.)

4. Brielle smiles when I discipline her.

5. Steve got a fix it ticket for our tail light on the car. We thought we could fix it with a new lightbulb. It didn't work. We had to bring it in, and $655 later...

6. The only good thing about a six hundred fifty-five dollar bill is that I pay for everything with my GAP card, and then I get free dollars in the mail to spend at Gap or Old Navy. So at least I might a free shirt out of the deal.

7. I lost my license. I had to renew it, and then they give you a paper one good for 30 days, and mail you your real new one. And I got it in the mail. That's all I know. And it's a MAJOR inconvenience.

8. At the end of the day, the very last thing I feel like doing is making supper. It's something I've always hated. Some women think I'm lying when I say that I don't get ANY enjoyment out of making a meal for my family. But I'm not lying. I don't like any single part of it. And it's only gotten harder since I started doing daycare. (See #2)

9. The fact that Steve won't have a job in a couple weeks is a really strange feeling. It's almost like we can't even deal with it right now because he just has to wrap this thing up 'nicely'...the only problem is that all his employees are quitting, so he has to do their work at work, and his work at home. And there's no time to do anything except survive.

10. Lillian starts kindergarten on Monday.

11. I wish I was the mom you read about on facebook that begs for more summertime with their kids. But I'm not. I'm ready for school. I'm not gonna lie.

12. What is with this HEAT!!!!

13. I'm planning our ten year class reunion. My kids are NOT allowed to even THINK about being senior class president. I won't allow it.

14. Josiah's latest quirk: refusing to wear shorts that don't have a snap/button. Add that to refusing to wear anything but his "handsome flip flops" or his "handsome bike shoes," crying when he thinks he doesn't look good, and asking at random times if his hair looks good. I think he's got a future in fashion of some sort.

15. I'm about to go downstairs to tell the kids it's time to clean up. If you listen closely, you just might hear the whining and complaining and begging for help.

16. There are about 80 million things I should have done instead of write this post. But when your brain is so crowded, you do what you gotta do.

quick a minute

so, today I put Brielle's hair in a ponytail. Like, a real one. a ponytail. and it reminded me that the first time I did it (last week or so) I took some pictures. So while the daycare baby sleeps and before the big kids get here, I thought I'd post some pictures of my big girl.



and in this next one I love how you can tell she thinks she's pretty hot stuff with a ponytail...



she still needs a flower or something (which can be found in abundance here) :) to keep her hair off her face, but I just think it makes her look SO OLD!

camping x2

Man, life is busy. I barely have time to blog these days, unless it's a quick picture or two. But we've gone camping these last two weekends, and I want to make sure to document that. OH, and we went a couple weeks before that, and celebrated B's bday, which I still don't have posted on here.

okay, so quickly, before I run out of time, here are some of my favorite pictures from the last two weekends. I only had my camera for one, so I have to steal maria's facebook pictures for the Round Lake ones. Thanks maria! :)

ROUND LAKE, MN with my aunt, uncle, and cousin (and maria, tyler, and hazel too)






STANTON, IA with Maria, Tyler, Hazel, and Mel













alright, now I have to find some time to first find and then post pictures of Brielle's party. I'll have to save that for another day...

miss laya

See this face? I get to see it almost every day. But today she is screaming. all day. So I found these pictures to remind myself how cute she is in "real life," as opposed to whatever today is. And I thought I'd share. :)