Summer days are long. and I just added 3 hours to mine by getting up early to finish a pinkadink order. Every so often I have "that order" that every possible thing that could go wrong goes wrong, so I end up staying up way too late to finish it (and by way too late I only mean midnight, but I'm getting old and if I stay up til midnight it's usually because I'm sleeping on my husband's lap "watching" a movie). and when I'm up late then weird things start happening like not looking when I'm cutting or not realizing I ran out of bobbin thread 3 seams ago and the like, so it's not worth staying up anymore and I force myself to get up early.
so that's where we are. up early.
the best part is that Josiah came down to the basement this morning, embroidery hoop in hand (we've started hand sewing, and so far they love it) and in a way that only a 6 year old can appreciate the hours before 8:00 am says, "Mama, can I sew with you???" and sat himself down right in front of my sewing machine and got to work on a gift he's making. :)
it's a good thing when I have those moments. and I need to make sure I document them, because otherwise all I'll remember is the long summer days when the kids fight with each other and how I join right in because I have to work really hard at being a GOOD parent, and it just seems like too much work lately. But I have to document the "mama, can I sew with you"s so that some day I'll say OH LOOK! there's proof that I tried! I tried to do fun things, to encourage creativity, to enjoy our time together, to have special things to do together!
because seriously, it's just way easier to join the 'fun' and be crabby. I know I've mentioned my "30-teen reaction" on here before, where I act like a sassy teenager even though I'm a thirty-something woman. its in full force these days, guys. full freaking force.
I'm just so good at being a lazy parent! when Lillian gets back from her friends house, it's like she has this realization that her life is HORRIBLE and her Mom is SO DEMANDING and nobody else's mom makes them unload the dishwasher and her siblings are just SO ANNOYING and her life is OVER because she has a reasonable bedtime, all of which she escaped from for a few hours at her friends house. In that situation it would be good parenting to sit her down and talk out her feelings and remind her why I have her help around the house, and why it's good that we give her responsibilities, and encourage her to have grace for her siblings. But it's so easy to just complain REALLY loudly to Steve and say (in a voice that Lillian will definitely hear), "It drives me CRAZY when she goes to her friends' houses and comes back feeling all entitled to whatever she wants! She better get this figured out if she EVER wants me to say yes to a friend's house again!!!" Mom, if you're reading this from up there, I apologize for not using "I feel" sentences and talking it out with my daughter. I know you taught me better than that.
and Brielle is in this phase of scream/crying about everything. like, for real, everything. falling and almost breaking a bone? scream/cry. a tiny ant on the ground? scream/cry. wanting a toy that her sister has (after being the one to GIVE it to her sister 30 seconds before)? scream/cry. spilling her snack on the ground? scream/cry. huge ever-growing bugbite on her back? scream/cry. everything. so when that scream/cry wakes me up at some point in my trying-to-make-the-day-feel-shorter excessive morning sleep, it's much easier to just open the door to my room (which she's right outside of, because she's ALWAYS right outside my door) and yell "DON'T SCREAM LIKE THAT! JUST DON'T DO IT! YOU CAN NOT SCREAM LIKE THAT IN THIS HOUSE!!!!!" and slam the door closed and hope that the mom-in-her-undies-with-morning-breath combo will be enough to scare the screams out of her for good.
and I'm not joking when I say she's always outside my door. you know that picture on facebook of the bathroom door with the little baby fingers sticking out from under it and the caption "they will find you...." or somehting??? ok, that's my real life, with an almost FIVE year old! she sits outside the bathroom door while I pee. every time. with my other kids I could always say "mommy needs to go to the bathroom a minute!" and since they were (and still are) obsessive about privacy, they got it. and I could take a breather. not so with this one. she's been sticking her fingers under the door for almost five years now. every. time. she's the one who wants to be by my side and all up in my space at all times. and not only that, she thinks that if she's armslength away from me at any given moment, then her stuffed animals want to be all up in my space. cuddling in my neck and stuff, which they know is my insanity-inducing area. They are NOT allowed to cuddle in my neck. only daddy is. but, you know, it must not count for shoving stuffed animals in the forbidden area. and it's so sweet and cute and she's growing up so fast and it's so cute she's my baby and GET THAT SPARKLY TURTLE OUT OF MY NECK!!!!!
part of what May such a hard month is that I got really selfish. I'm having a hard time balancing this whole "selfless heart" (which every mother needs to have if she wants to avoid a total meltdown from doing everything for everybody) thing, with the "mommy doesn't have to do EVERYTHING for you" mentality (which every mother needs to have if she wants to avoid a total meltdown from doing everything for everybody). I do think it's good for kids to learn how to do stuff on their own! but I also feel like I should find a little more joy in serving my family than I do right now. and it's only gotten worse in June since we're together all day every day.
When I mention the fact that my kids are making me question my sanity to my friends, I often hear "ALREADY???" and I say YES! because we aren't used to being with each other 24/7! that's a lot of sweaty hair and stinky feet and elbows in the way and toy sharing and snack finding. it'll be much easier in a month when we have figured out how to not drive each other crazy, right? and GOD BLESS THE HOMESCHOOLING MOMS who do this year round. I live in a 'circle' that's heavy in the homeschooling world. and y'all must be way better people than me. way better. because I'm ready for fall.
now listen here. I love these kids. sometimes it brings me to tears how much I love them. if you could see inside my heart you would see this thing you couldn't really describe but it would be blazing with love for them. we're just in that phase of trying to figure this whole summer thing out (again). they probably want time away as much as I do. and is it just me or is EVERYBODY going on awesome vacations this year? is it because I'm mourning the fact that my 10 year anniversary trip to Mexico turned into a new shower so that our whole bathroom didn't cave into the garage? because I swear, since the day we got that shower, everyone started going on awesome vacations. or maybe that's just when I started noticing.
but in one month I'll be in Belize (which is a different kind of awesome vacation, but not really a vacation at all with the work we'll be doing) :) with someone else's kids, and I'll probably be a wreck without my own three. it seems a bit dysfunctional, when I think of it that way. the whole, can't live with them, can't live without them type of thing. but I guess that's why it's love. you put up with the hard stuff because of that thing in you that you can't explain. and if I have to be with three little people all day every day, then THESE are the three that I'd choose! hands down, face in my neck, absolutely positively.
These are the three I'd choose to try to survive summer with. just, um...let me pee in peace. :)