GSD: 2010

Today I went looking back at old blog posts to get a better idea of what my feelings were last year during Grandma Sharon Days. And low and behold...there was no post. I had a facebook album, but you know, that's not really the place to spill my guts.

but this is.

So this year I'm going to write it while it's fresh.

I love Grandma Sharon Days. It's the very best idea my sister ever had. :) It's such a great way for us to really celebrate who she was, and give our kids the feeling that they know her (although Lillian will be quick to tell you that she's really the only grandkid who knows her). :(

GSD is a time when we get to do fun stuff, eat out a lot, get special snacks, and visit Stone Park. This year, I didn't do quite as much as usual, since life is just a bit busier and if I don't majorly plan in advance, things just don't go as planned. But we made it work.

On Saturday we ate at Chipotle with Mel before heading to Stone Park. Somehow I always manage to sneak Chipotle into GSD, even though I'm not quite sure she ever even HAD Chipotle or if she liked it. But I count it as special time with my sister, which I know my mom definitely loved. :)

Our drive to Sioux City was so beautiful. The forecast was actually for rain and thunderstorms, so we were totally bummed, but decided to try it anyway. I have a million memories of getting rained on during the annual Stone Park trip, so it's nothing we hadn't dealt with before. But the day was actually so beautiful. We couldn't believe it. That is...until we turned onto Stone Park Blvd...literally. We saw the first drops at that point, and from then on, it sure was scattered thunderstorms. It was like a few minutes of perfect fall weather, followed by about ten minutes of showers and thunder, and then back to perfect fall weather, etc. We still managed to squeeze in a few traditions though...

*I basically only have pictures of Saturday. HUGE bummer. but nothing I can really do about it anymore. :(

a hike up the hill (thank goodness for Uncle JoJo!)


the family pictures at the top (although, since they totally let everything grow this year, we couldn't do the timed photo like we usually do, so there's no whole group photo this year).



the pink balloons to send up to Grandma Sharon



eatin' a dog...


Eventually it got to the point where I was freaked out being in the forest and seeing lightening, so we packed up in a hurry and headed over to Cold Stone. It was definitely not time to say goodbye yet, and we didn't even have time to make s'mores! So thankfully Sioux City has a Cold Stone, so we could continue the celebration. My mom LOVED cold stone, particularly on her trips to Mayo for chemo, etc. It was something I BARELY got to do with her, since I was teaching that year, so I feel like it's really important to make up for lost time now. :)



all the "area" grandkids with their new breast cancer puppies from papa and judy


When we got home, I put the kids to bed. Melinda didn't feel well, so she crashed on the couch. I busted my butt cleaning til Steve got home and midnight and all that has nothing to do with GSD, really.

Sunday was interesting. I was supposed to be working in the nursery that day for some friends who weren't able to do their shift bc of other church obligations. I'll admit that I was a bit disappointed since I knew that while my heart was wide open this weekend, I'd see things and hear things at church in a different way. Well, as it turns out, there were no babies at church this week, so I was able to attend the service. I was so thrilled. And sure enough, we sang Blessed Be Your Name. There are quite a few songs that I can't get through without thinking of my mom and crying. But out of those, there are only a couple that we actually sing in my church. And that's one of them.

Back in 2006, when my mom was dying, our family was often gathered in the living room, living out her last moments with her. We'd talk, cry, hug, rub her feet, play games, and sing songs. Blessed Be Your Name was one of the songs we sang a few times. Lights dimmed, candles burning, every spot in the room taken, Insoo on guitar leading, and tears NONSTOP down my face. The part of the song where we sing "you give and take away" was so real to me at that moment, waiting for my mom to be taken from us, and waiting for my baby to be born, and not knowing which one would happen first. you give and take away..blessed be your name.
so you can see why I sorta lost it in church. well, not really lost it actually. just quiet crying. that was my first time crying this year actually.

After church was Papa Murphey's veggie pizza. Mom's favorite. and mine too!

After lunch I went shopping with Lillian and Mel, since Lillian insisted on having a birthday present for Josiah on Monday. It was sweet (nevermind the fact that she wanted to get him High School Musical 3 or a princess book with a necklace in it). She ended up settling for (read: forced to get him) a 4 pack of dvds about trucks, planes, cars, trains, and everything else he absolutely loves. :)

Soon after that was Bible study. and guess what! One of the families brought red licorice as their snack to share! Another Grandma Sharon favorite!!!

Monday was Josiah's bday, and I'll save that day for another blogpost. I usually try to make that day mostly about Josiah, even though it's smack dab in the middle of GSD.

Yesterday was the last day of GSD. The day my mom would turn 55 years old. Sometimes I still can't believe she died so young. We had all the daycare kids here, so we didn't do a whole lot of anything special during the day. By the time we got to evening, I was starting to get really frustrated with myself for not having planned ahead more. It was very suddenly the end of GSD, and Monday we didn't do anything bc it was Josiah's day, and then Tues we hadn't done anything either. There were things that I could have done if I'd planned ahead, like make stir fry (our family dinner probably at least once every couple weeks, if not more...), or caramel corn (but I didn't have wax paper to let it dry on), but I just didn't.

So I called Steve, feeling myself getting all emotional about what to make for dinner. Now most of you probably know that I take every opportunity available to go out to eat, because I love eating out, and especially love that I don't have to prepare and clean up dinner! I don't do a whole lot of spending otherwise, but that's one thing I can often find myself justifying. :) But this was different. It wasn't that I just didn't want the work. It was that I felt like I wasn't doing a good job of celebrating my mom this year, and it was quickly becoming a bigger and bigger issue in my head.

So Steve offers for us to go out to eat, and we decide on Arby's for a couple reasons. First of all, I remember many times of stopping in LeMars to eat at Arby's. And once, we were all on the Atkins diet, but Arby's was having a really good deal Beef 'N' Cheddars. So we went and got a huge tray full of the sandwiches, and then took off the bottoms of each one (to honor mr. atkins) and ate them all as open faced upside down sandwiches. And another time we remembered was sitting in the sioux city mall parking lot eating Arby's subs, and just NOT understanding how they could possibly be so good. That was another Arby's deal that we overabused at the time. :) AND...since my mom LOVED coffee, and I don't, I thought that jamocha shakes were the perfect way to give me and my kids a taste of "coffee" to be like Grandma Sharon. It might sound dumb to you, but that arby's sub and shake were just what I needed to celebrate my mom's birthday.

When we got home, it was well past their bedtime, but I just had to read the Grandma Sharon Story to each kid, and also Love You Forever. I couldn't find the Velveteen Rabbit (another favorite) but we didn't have tons of time anyway. So first I read the Grandma Sharon Story to Brielle. We talked all about Grandma Sharon, and pointed to the Lillian character and pretended it was Brielle. She had lots of questions (that's Brielle? that's Grandma Sharon? that's you? that's Brielle?) so it was hard to get too emotional about it all...

Then we went into the big kids' room to read Love You Forever.

I had been so strong all weekend. So many people were asking me how I was, and I honestly said I was fine. Of course it was hard, but I was doing alright. I had lots of things to celebrate instead of crying for four days straight, and I was fine.

But as I read the first few pages of Love You Forever, and imagined my mom reading that book to Lillian as a little baby, and thinking about how much she's missed since then, and thinking of myself as the mom with the baby, and knowing that someday I'll be the one who's gone, and..., and..., and... it was never-ending. It was like my mind went crazy and in just a few seconds, I thought of every sad thing I've ever felt about my mom ever. and I cracked.

I tried so hard to keep my composure. I certainly didn't want the very last memory of GSD:2010 for my kids to be thier mom bawling and not able to read to them. So after a few pages of shaky voice/wet face reading, I regained composure and finished the book.

It's not that I don't want my kids to see me sad or missing my mom or crying or anything. They've seen that PLENTY over the last four years. It was just that I knew that if I let myself really cry right there in that moment, it wasn't going to stop.

So instead, I finished the book, watched Parenthood, and went to bed. I was fine in my bed... thinking of all the things that needed to get done today (which are still undone, by the way). And then suddenly I was bawling. Like, weird noises, body shaking, hard to breathe crying. the kind where your heart actually hurts, and it's not a figure of speech. all in an instant. It was a release that I needed, and still came so unexpectedly.

And I just let myself cry. Thinking about how much I miss her. And wondering if the whole "crying for my mommy" thing is ever going to end. And realizing all the grandbabies she's missed out on, and wondering why in the world God would only give her a little tiny taste of being a grandma. And on that note, why would he take someone from this earth who so clearly loved Him and could do SUCH great things for His kingdom? And thinking of all the times when I wish I could call her and ask her dumb questions about sewing or cooking or whatever, let alone the major stuff I wish I could talk to her about. And thinking about Josiah almost BEGGING me to be with Grandma Sharon ("mommy, PLEASE can we see Grandma Sharon!"). thinking about the pinkadink, and how I know she'd love that I'm doing that. and wondering if I can still remember what her voice sounded like. and all the little things I think about all throughout the year. and how it's NOT FAIR. really. that's what I think about.

So I'm not sure what I was feeling last year, because I didn't write it down. But this year I think it's safe to say that I almost use GSD to hide behind. To focus on the fun stuff instead of the hurt. and I think it's okay to do that a little bit. But maybe this year was a little excessive in the hiding area. and as soon as I realized it, it broke me down. And while maybe it was good for my heart to let the hurt out a little, and maybe even feel a little sick from it... really, it just reinforced the fact that when I'm sick, I still just want my mom.

obedience

I feel like I've been really hard on my kids lately. My expectations are so high. I like them high, don't get me wrong, but I just feel like maybe I'm not responding appropriately when they are not met.

So lately I've been trying to think about their perspective. Like, if I was smaller, and some big huge person was always yelling at me and telling me what I'm doing wrong all the time, I'd probably be quite stressed out and I can't honestly say that it would make me do everything right. And while I know that my kids don't have the same brains as adults, and it's my job to raise them well, so the analogy is not 100% accurate, it helps me. It makes me think about my tone, my body language, my demeanor.

And I'm trying to remember that they can't read my mind. So when I ask them to do something, they don't know the exact way I imagine it getting done. Like when I say, "Can you close the door please" I imagine her closing the door with her hand on the doorknob. So when she decides to close it with her chin, very slowly and backwards and not at all the way ANYONE but her would imagine closing it, it doesn't mean she's disobeying.

And when I say, "come over here buddy so we can take this picture," I imagine him getting up and walking over, not crawling/crab-walking over and staining his knees. he wasn't disobeying, he was being an obedient puppy/crab. So I had to ask him to STAND up and walk over.

(I was going to think of an example of Brielle too, but can't quite think of one that's actually NOT disobeying. Because she's two and she has a big brother and big sister and a bunch of daycare kids trying to take her stuff and boss her around and borrow her mommy, and I guess she thinks that disobeying and freaking out stuff is going to help her out somehow. So that's all I can really think of right now....)

so anyway, just because I wrote about it doesn't mean that I have it down. But it's a work in progress. Every day (okay, maybe more like every hour) I try to coach myself not to automatically react how my brain wants to. Controlling my mouth is something I can do in every other area of my life, so I figure I can probably do it with the kids too.

Lillian, Josiah, and Brielle, I apologize for times when I totally freak out. Please don't remember that about me. I'll keep on trying to see the many many ways you obey, instead of how you don't do it the way I imagined. You're all so creative and wonderful, and I'm trying to remember that. Love, Mommy

photo fun

I've been having some fun photographing other people lately, and thought I'd share a few of my favorites.

first up, sweet Maddie. She's the cutie I watch 4 or 5 days a week, and for her 6 month bday, I wanted to take some pictures for her mommy. and she was super easy. :)



next up, Deven. He lives across the street from me and one day his mom was venting to me about the cost of senior pictures, and how you have to turn something into the office for a photo, and she didn't know what to do! well I did! We headed over to an alley in Benson, and voila, senior pictures.










and finally, our good friends and sort-of-neighbors, the Wiswells. They wanted some fall family pictures outside, but didn't want to go far or make a big fuss, so we headed around the block to the neighbors awesome leaves that had been falling and crunching under our feet on the way to the bus every day! here's a collage of my favorites.


great weather, great people, great times. :)

Aria update

Remember when, for my 100th post, I encouraged my readers to donate a couple bucks to raise $100 for Aria?

well, since that day, many exciting things have happened in the life of little Aria.

In New Zealand, where they are from, a major news station did a story on this sweet family, and it's now available online. So, if you want to check it out, grab a tissue and click here.

and if you feel led, go ahead and click back up on that 100th post link and make a donation. but either way, please keep this little one and her homesick parents in your prayers.

what a GREAT story by a GREAT God...

holy moly...that was an event

you have no idea by looking at THIS...


how traumatizing tonight was for this girl.

see the hair? that's clearly the result of a major event. Remember her kindergarten shots? (well, maybe you don't, because it just might be on my list of things for my REWIND series...) anyway, I had to pin her down and lay on her so the nurse could give her shots.

Well, tonight was pretty close to that. Not quite so bad, but bad enough that I had two choices: laugh at her or cry with her. I chose to laugh, but the poor girl was scared to death. She did NOT want us getting that tooth out. the one that's been loose for like 6 weeks or so. But when I saw that the SHARP part on the bottom was sticking out and cutting her gums open because she refused to let us touch it and just let it dangle out the front of her gums like that????? something had to be done.

so I told her I didn't want her to go to bed and swallow it and have it cut up her tummy like it cut up her gums. what...not like YOU'VE never used scare tactics before! ok, well, the only thing was that she didn't care. She just did NOT want to have her arms pinned down by Daddy. So after like 3o minutes of d.r.a.m.a.... I lied. I told her I wasn't going to pull it. and then I did.

and she was thrilled! so much so that she wanted to ask the tooth fairy if she could keep it. (for the sake of time I wrote out what she said and let her sign her name. because GOOD GRIEF, it should not have taken that long in the first place.)



So Lillian, my dear, good job for being brave even when you didn't want to. I'm proud of you, and so thankful that you didn't make us lay on you again.

and so begins the seemingly never-ending phase of really awkward teeth...

Rewind: B's birthday

So, after our fun filled trip to Ohio, I thought maybe things would slow down a bit, but of course they don't.

The weekend of Brielle's birthday was a busy one! We had a wedding to attend on Saturday, and a birthday party on Sunday, so we decided to add one more thing to the weekend and do it all while camping!!

Steve and I actually didn't camp too much. Brielle was pretty sick on that Friday night, her actual birthday. :( So we decided to wait til Saturday to head up to Paulina, and by the time we got there, it was about time for us to be in OC to meet a couple who was considering the same program in Spain that I did. We basically just dropped the kids off, set up the tent SPEED style, and off we went.

Steve and I LOVED living in Spain, mostly. :) Of course while we were there I remember being ready to hop on the next plane home a few times, but now when we think back on it, we remember the very best of everything, with only a few funny "bad" stories. So anyway, it was SO fun to have an hour or so to just reminisce about when life was so easy and we had someone to do all our cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. oh, and not to mention living in quite possibly the most beautiful city ever. Spending almost every waking minute of every day together, just us. Really really good memories....

After all that reminiscing and almost feeling like we were young again :) we got ready and went to Joel and Laura's wedding! I was always pretty close with Mr. Stauffer, my homeroom teacher for three years. So it was very fun to watch him marry his best friend, who also happens to be my future step-cousin. :) is that a real thing??? :) But since their day was busy and you never really get to talk to the bride and groom much at the wedding, we filled most of our time up by talking to other teachers we had in high school and getting sore cheeks from all the laughing! Mr. Herman and Mr. Bundt taught history and math, probably my two least favorite subjects EVER, but for some reason, I enjoyed those two teachers so much. And they also happened to coach track, which I also hated. In fact, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit thinking about getting last place in every 100 meter dash I ever ran. AP History, Calculus, and track were all electives, so I think it's safe to say that the only reason I was involved with any of them was because I really liked those two guys. So it was fun to sit and chat at the reception with them (and Maria, Tyler, and Mel). I left the reception wondering if my kids will ever have that type of thing with their teachers (and also why I didn't take my camera to get a picture of me and my hubs all dressed up...). GRRR...

Poor Brielle had been sick that whole day, with fevers up to like 105 if she didn't get her Tylenol soon enough. It was so sad, but she was such a trooper. Most of the time you could never even tell that she was sick! She slept in the tent that night with me and Steve, while the big kids slept in Beso and Grandma's "new" camper! You'd think that after all the hype about the new camper, they'd moan and groan about the thought of ever sleeping in our tent again, but we actually found ourselves promising that when we went camping the next time, they could sleep in our tent. weird....

In the morning, we spent some time on the beach and then had a little party, and celebrated the fact that my baby girl is now two. And once again I'm struck by the fact that the days drag on, but the years fly by.


It's a good thing we got a good shot of her adorable cake, because soon enough we had a hand slide right through the frosting!

But here's Miss B looking perfectly happy even with her crazy high fever...


And just like that the hustle and bustle was over. I'll admit that I was a bit tired and hot and mad that the battery for my "good camera" was dead, but Brielle got lots of fun stuff for her birthday, and really seemed like she was having fun. She definitely zonked out while we cleaned up, though. Poor thing spent the whole weekend burning up, inside and out. (This was one of the CRAZY hot weekends of the summer!)


see that paci? our plan was to take it away the weekend she turned two. well, then she got sick, so we just couldn't do that to her then.... and then.... and then... and then... and then... and after I finally didn't have any more excuses, I just clipped that nipple right off there, and her paci was "broken." but that's a story for another post. But to answer your question, NO! she does NOT still sleep with her paci! woo hoo!

We stopped at the urgent care clinic when we pulled into Omaha and found out that sure enough, she had an infection about everywhere you possibly can get one, and got her on some antibiotics right away. That helped our poor "baby" feel so much better, and left me kicking myself for not just doing it sooner. ah, well, live and learn I guess. and then blog about it so you don't forget. :)