Tuesday, June 22, 2010

please tell me you have one

we all have a McDonald's play area horror story, right? please tell me yes.

Mine was Saturday. McD's had $2 happy meals on Saturdays in the month of June, so since Steve was somewhere across Iowa doing an improv show, I decided to take the kids for happy meals, bring my book, and let them play in the play area.

When we arrived the play area was full, so we had to eat in the restaurant part (phew!) and THEN go play. We went up to order and the lady in front of us was just awful. She was bickering about not wanting to pay for the fries since blah blah blah, and the worker said "ma'm, they FELL OUT OF THE BAG. If you want a new bag, I"ll get you a new bag, but the fries are low salt just like you asked." or something ridiculous like that. The customer was so crabby, yelling at her daughter, crabbing about the fries, etc.

Next we placed our order. Three happy meals (including all the details), and a number 8 please.

We all got our drink cups, etc, and headed over to fill them. We went back to the counter, waited a bit more, and a bit more. The kids were just waiting patiently while thier happy meals sat on the counter, and the lady finally yelled to the back "this lady is waiting patiently for her chicken sandwich! let's go guys, how much longer???"

She informed me that I'd have to wait at least 5 more minutes for my CRISPY chicken, but could have grilled instead, right away, if I wanted. I said I'd wait for the crispy one, because if you're eating at McDonald's anyway, you might as well go all out. :) So she said she bring it out to me, with some fresh fries too. And I said "okay great," because if you're eating at McDonalds anyway, you might as well go all out. :)

and THEN this other lady comes in with her kids and orders burgers, etc, but no happy meals. so the worker lets her know that she'd be better off getting happy meals bc they're on sale. So she goes into this HUGE thing about not wanting the happy meal toys, and they go back and forth and back and forth about the toys and the old toys and no toys and different toys and toys toys toys. So finally she has the lady go to the back and find old mermaid toys, because they can at least play with those in the bathtub. Meanwhile, her kids are totally freaking out, and she's being "such a good parent" and letting us all know how good she is by parenting REALLY LOUDLY.

So, by this point, I'm just feeling really proud of myself and my kids for being so awesome. :)

Our food came, and we ate it, and we went inside the play are to just waste some time before Daddy got home. I got my book out, tuned out the 7 or 8 year old kids (everyone else had left except for those two) that were screaming in the tunnel things, and started reading. Brielle doesn't really play in that stuff, she just runs around at the bottom of it all, and maybe yells up the slides or something. So occasionally I'd just peek up and make sure she's okay.

So I'm reading my book, and can't get past the thought that I smell manure (Maria and Mel, think cake pick up). Now, if I were in OC, I'd just assume that the farmers were spreading or something. But since I'm in the middle of Omaha, where there are no cows around, I assume that it's one of the kids. But it can't be Brielle, because she's my once-a-day-pooper, and she'd already pooped. And it's CERTAINLY not Lillian or Josiah, because they would have told me. So then I think it must be the big kids, who played some sick joke and took a crap in the slide or something. But giving them the benefit of the doubt, I check Brielle's diaper. So I lift her dress and peek in the back of her diaper. pure white. I also notice that one of her butt cheeks is sticking out, so I grab her diaper and pull it out, and hope that it's not one of my other kids.

The other family calls their kids over (probably to check their pants) and I carry on reading my book. That family gets their stuff ready to leave, and I realize I'm getting whiffs of poop with every page turn. I finally realize that it's my HAND that smells like manure. I think about my recent action of pulling Brielle's diaper out of her cheeks, and my eyes dart around trying to find her. And then I found her. She was playing in the bottom of the yellow slide...covered in poop. Poopy socks, poopy dress, poopy inside of her dress, poopy slide, poopy everything.

I whisperingly FREAK OUT and tell Lillian to go get me some napkins. I didn't even bring a diaper bag or diapers and wipes, because Brielle already pooped, so I just KNEW she wouldn't go again. I send her out to get napkins, and she comes back with like five. NOT ENOUGH to clean up the slide. So I wipe with five napkins and whisper yell for Lillian to get more, while shushing Josiah as he yells "BRIELLE POOPED ON THE SLIDE?????" Lillian comes back with more, and I wrap the dirty ones in a clean one and shove it in my purse with the inside out, totally covered in poop, socks. yes, in my purse. It was mostly just smearing around the slide, until Josiah slides RIGHT through it, covering his backside with almost all the rest of the poop. So I freak out again, and take Josiah's poopy socks off and shove THOSE in my purse too, desperate to get the HECK out of there.

So I finally get the poop mostly wiped up, and get the guts up to go tell the lady about it (all that pride from before was OUT THE DOOR! I think I learned my lesson). and suddenly, out of NOWHERE, a little boy comes racing down the slide. So I had to tell him to NOT go down the slide again until they clean it, probably totally freaking this kid out to have this frazzled lady approach him like that. So I go tell the lady, and decide to wait for her to get the stuff so I can show her where, and assure her that it's not all the way up the slide or anything. But she's taking FOREVER so we decide to make a run for it. After all, I had two poopy kids now and HAD to go. HAD to. But first I had to tell the dad of the kid I spooked in the play area waht I siad to his kid and why. And it was all very embarrassing.

So we get to the van, and I stip Brielle, but still don't know what to do, because she's still full of poop, and her diaper is nasty, and I don't have anything with me. So I search the van and find ONE diaper on the floor. Since I didn't have any wipes, I couldn't CHANGE her, so I just strapped the clean diaper over the dirty one, quite lopsidedly, since that's where the poop was, and buckled her in.

We finally made it home and I stripped Josiah down and threw all the poopy stuff in the washer, and threw the wad of napkins into the garbage, wondering the whole time why my daughter's poop smells like COW poop instead of kid poop. She went straight to the bath, and I scrubbed her and scrubbed her, until I was positive there was nothing left on her.

I survived the experience, barely, but I'm not so sure that I'll be headed back in there any time soon.

Pretty please leave a comment telling me your story. Please. I'm NOT the only one, I know it. and it does NOT mean we're bad moms if our kids poop places, or if we don't carry extra diapers and wipes.....RIGHT??????


Anne said...

I'm sorry I don't have a good playplace story because I always have to go up and bring my screaming four-year-old down and go home (because he gets scared). But seriously, that story is incredible--both heartbreaking and a little funny (just a little). SOOO sorry!

Tamra and Nathan said...

My cousin's baby just had a major blowout while she was standing in line at a bank...poop all over my cousin and the bank floor.

My only playplace story is the time I broke my collarbone on a merry-go-round at McDonalds...but that's not so funny. I was 1. My mom cried a lot.

kayla risma said...

This is hilarious Andrea! Laughing still. Thanks for sharing. I'm sure I'll have McDonald adventure stories soon:)

Michelle said...

I too don't have any good playplace stories because we don't have any in our area and because I am a mean mommy and don't let my kiddos play in them. :) However your story will make me laugh and smile all night. You have the best stories and I wish my blog was half as entertaining as yours! LOL! Thanks for sharing - we all have those parenting moments when we just wish we could crawl in a hole. :)

~cody said...

I'm right there with you...Mason's a once-a-day-er as well, and we leave with nothing on a regular basis. We're asking for it, I know.

But what I really need to know is, did you ever get your crispy chicken sandwich and fresh fries? :)

Elder Family said...

Okay not as bad of an experience as you. But a couple weeks ago Noah and I had a morning out, you know ran errands, went to the library and stopped to eat at McD's. No play place involved but we were sitting in the booth (acutally Noah was standing in the booth) and I start to notice that his leg is wet (I think he spilt somthing) but then I check his diaper and it is FULL (just pee) but FULL. I too have no wipes, no extra diapers, nothing so I clean up the puddle, and pick him up. I can't let him walk because his shorts are now peed through so I carry him and my the entire side of my shirt is soaked! I think I got a little easier off than you but it wasn't very good planning on my part at all!

Anonymous said...

I don't have a McD's story, but Logan was a once-a-WEEK pooper (doc said "some kids are just efficient!) and we were in Applebee's. All of a sudden, we hear rumblings. Kent heads to the bathroom with him...you'd think that by #4 we would think about the fact that the men's room doesn't have changing tables! Sure enough, Logan poops straight up the back and out of everything on him. We did have clean diapers along, but no wipes, so Kent cleaned him up with Applebee's paper towels while he was laying on the sink! They were in there a loooooong time, and when they came out, Logan had just a diaper on. Kent said he "tried" to clean up the bathroom as best he could...um, I couldn't go check. So, of course...this being child #4, we HAD learned to take whatever time away we get, so we ate our meal, and pretended that everyone takes their newborn into Applebee's mostly naked...so what's the big deal? -Amy Sterk aka: anonymous

Corinne Doughan said...

That is THE most hilarious story I've EVER heard!!!! I know it wasn't fun to live through, but I'm so glad you are able to make light of the situation and use it to make other mommies laugh.

I don't have a McD's story, but I'm almost positive I've got some sort of public poop story that I've conveniently blocked out of my memory at the moment. ;)

Anonymous said...

I love this!! Thank you for sharing!

Rachel said...

OK...that is EXACTLY why I do NOT take my kids anywhere near McD's. If they REALLY beg me I'll go through the drive thru...but that's it! :)

I do have a poop story, but not as dramatic as yours. Last year I ran to Rotellas to buy bread and Caden pooped on the way, of course I didn't have the diaper bag b/c all I was doing was running one quick errand. He stunk SO bad so I got in and out as soon as possible. When I put him back in his carseat I noticed he had blown out...unfortunately I'd been carrying him all over on my hip...so I now had his poop all over my side! GROSS!

Anonymous said...

There is NO WAY that sweet girl's poop smelled as bad as the cake pick up day. No possible way. Very funny story though :)


The Yellow Door Paperie said...

Not in a play place, but I had to strip down Truman at Culvers because unexpected poop was running down his legs.

I gave him a bath in the sink, then asked for disinfectant to clean their sink. He was so glad that he got to run around in a diaper and nothing else in the middle of winter, until I wrapped him up in my coat to get him home.

Ahh it was awful!

Anonymous said...

Well if you're going to poop in the McDonald's playplace you "may as well go all out!" Thanks for the good laugh!

Kyra said...

Paul and I were sitting at church and started to smell poop. We look down and lo and behold there was a pile of crap on the floor right in front of us!!Somehow, Sophia was able to poop all on the floor and hardly any in her diaper. We also were out of wipes, so Paul had to go the the bathroon and get paper towels and then pick it up while the service was going on. He then took it out in his hand back to the trash. Very embarrassing.Those poor people listening to the sermon sure got a beautiful smell. Also just last week, while we were in Yankton, Sawyer pooped in his swim diaper (IN THE POOL) and it was leaking out the sides. There were a ton of people in the pool, and the smell was almost unbearable. Very embarrasing as well. They had to drain the whole pool b/c of Sawyer! Hopefully we don't have any "poop" horror stories with Stella, but I doubt it!! :)

Wanda said...

Oh Andrea...that was so funny to read about, but I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time...You handled it very well though...be sure you have diapers and wetwipes with you at all times from now on :) Love you...

Jason & Kate said...

andrea! i just laughed so hard that i have tears running down my cheeks! thanks for the brutal honesty of your McD's poopfest.
seriously...can't stop laughing...
no poop stories yet for myla--all of the strip down to nothing, scrubbing her clean in the bath, blow-outs have all been at home so far. i will take your story as a warning though--i think i'll go put a package of wipes and a few extra diapers in the van :)