most of you already know about the break in we had this morning. for those of you who don't, here's how it went down.
5:00am- roll out of bed, brush my teeth, put my shorts and my shoes on
5:10am- head to kitchen, fill up water bottle, mess with fish tank that steve cleaned up last night, and grab cash envelope thingy out of my purse
5:15am-leave for body pump class
6:35am- stop at HyVee for some tofu
6:45am- come home, realize computer is gone, wake steve up.
At that point things get a little blurry for me. We just stood there in our kitchen trying to figure out what in the HECK happened (even though it was quite obvious) and if it really could have possibly happened to us. The evidence makes it pretty obvious what happened. He (ok I know it could be a female too, but we keep slipping and saying "he," so I'll base it on statistics and stick with "he." no sexism intended...) moved our flower pot, climbed up our deck, wrecked our screen to pop it out, opened our (unlocked, bummer) window, climbed over our sink, left tree seed CRAP all over our kitchen floor bc it was stuck to his feet, walked down the hallway to the bedrooms and realized people were home, went back to kitchen to grab my brand freaking new computer (which I just bought to do photo editing), my purse, and some cash I had left on the counter (probably like 50 bucks), walked over to our dining room, unplugged my external hard drive (HALLELUJAH!!!!) and put it in some totally random spot in our dining room, moved our big board block thing that goes in our sliding door as an extra precaution, unlocked the back sliding door, put our door block thing outside, and left.
there are a lot of electronics in this house. they're all pretty crappy, but still...he only took the one computer and my purse and some cash. we actually feel very blessed for this sort of outcome.
The next part of the morning was total chaos. we had to tell the kids because there would soon be police officers showing up and we didn't want to freak them out. So the first police officer comes, and Steve starts showing her around while I (attempt to) get the kids ready for school. they were freaked out a bit, but also wanted to be in on the action with the police officer, and I was making tofu scramble for the kids' lunches that day. Part way through I realized that my purse had also been taken, so at that point steve and I switched because it became "my" police report instead of just a household one. So Steve was finishing the tofu scramble, packing up the kids lunches, signing folders, making sure they all got dressed, etc, welcoming my daycare girl, and managing the chaos while I talked to the police officer, called the bank (they got gas with my card at 6:14 am, which gives us about a 45 minute window that we KNOW it happened in, ugh...) and all the other stuff that comes with having your purse stolen. Then the crime lab techician or something came over, so that meant TWO police cars outside and TWO people inside, and she was taking pics and dusting for fingerprints, which was sort of cool, except for the fact that it was my house as a crime scene. :(
Steve got all the kids off to school, so when he got back we had the rest of the morning to go open new bank accounts, and go through all that business which is a HUGE pain in the butt.
and later in the afternoon my friend took the girls for a couple hours so Steve and I could focus and either call or change info online for all the places we pay bills to that are connected to that specific account. that is a very very long and annoying job.
it was a long and grueling day, and I still haven't gotten the shower that I came home to take at 6:45. blech. but so many people have so many other issues. so many BIGGER issues. I kept telling myself, out loud, all day, "this is okay. this is not cancer. this is not divorce. this is not death. this is not kidnapping. this is not SO MANY HORRIBLE THINGS. we can do this. this...is easy."
but it's still sort of sinking in I guess. We got robbed. and that sucks. But I'm realizing that it's not the stuff I feel robbed of, it's other things.
We got "robbed" of our sense of security. That's not something that will easily be built up. I know that burglaries happen everywhere. small towns, big towns, small cities, big cities, north omaha and west omaha. I get that. but you don't quite understand the feeling of the loss of security until it happens to you. when it's YOUR house that someone was walking around in. when it's YOUR kids sleeping in the bedrooms that he obviously peeked in on. when it's YOUR husband who was finally for one moment (it's been a rough sleep week) sleeping soundly enough that he didn't hear.
Steve got "robbed" of his role as a protector of our family. that's all I'm going to say about that because I am not a man and don't even totally get it, but I'm pretty sure that's pretty high up there on any man's list of things to be for his family.
We got "robbed" of our hard work!!! Steve and I both work more than most other people we know. we work hard for less pay than most people, so it takes us a really long time to save up for something like a computer, or the software that I put on to do my editing, or the cash that was on the counter, ya know? we work HARD and LONG for the stuff we have in this house. and someone just robbed us of our hard work and cheated us out of something that we earned.
I know it's just stuff, and trust me, that's not lost on me. But our current "stuff" isn't recent enough to be a replacement bc the sofware (or whatever it is- Windows Vista and Mac 10.6.8 instead of Windows 7 or Mac 10.7, or soemthing like that. I don't even know...) don't support my photo editing sofware. and well, that just sucks. so I really do sort of "need" the "stuff" even though it's "just stuff" in order to do my work.
We were also "robbed" of sentimental value. I realize this is going to sound REALLY dumb, but one of the things I'm saddest about is that they took our mouse pad. When Josiah was a baby and Lillian was, well, a baby too, practically, I took this odd-angled selfie of me cuddling with my two babies, and I ended up LOVING the photo because it was so real life. I was in a hooded sweatshirt with no makeup and my hair in a ponytail, looking like my every day self. and my babies were just so cute because they were mine, ya know? So for Father's Day that year I spent about 6 bucks on a mouse pad for Steve with that picture on it. and the dumb guy took that mouse pad. I know he doesn't even want that freaking mouse pad. why would he take it? I'm saddest about that. I know I can get a new one, but it won't have the pen marks all over it from one my sweet angels totally attacked it with a black bic. and I grew to love those pen marks all over my face I guess because now I'm having a hard time imagining a new mouse pad with the same picture, but no pen marks. :( He robbed me of that sentimental value, which you just cant replace.
so yeah, I mean, we got robbed. in so many ways. but here's the truth of it all.
You cannot rob people of God. You cannot take God's peace away from someone who is choosing to cling to it. You cannot steal from us our Refuge and our Fortress.
so we spent the day talking about God's peace. He's the Prince of peace! We discussed how God can use bad things to make good things happen, and maybe the good thing was FIVE Hydeens choosing to let GOD win this battle and have FIVE people grow their trust in God when ONE person chose to sin. We had lots of good talks today about choosing peace, and choosing to let God win. but as evening fell upon us, that peace was getting a little farther from our sweet kids' minds.
It's kind of tricky to let them feel their very real feelings, but to also encourage them to not allow the fear to hijack their minds. I'm not even sure how to do it. all I knew was we had to hear it from God. We want our kids to know that the Bible is God's clearest and easiest way to "talk" to us, and guess what. he usually has something to say that we need to hear.
For us it was Psalm 56:3. When I am afraid I will trust in You.
So easy for the kids, so simple to understand. But I could tell it wasn't quite enough. it was recommended to me to read Psalm 91 with them (I LOVE FACEBOOK!!!) so that's what we did.
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." 3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. 4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. 5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. 7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. 8 You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. 9 If you make the Most High your dwelling-- even the LORD, who is my refuge-- 10 then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; 12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. 13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. 14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. 15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. 16With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
I definitely skipped over the "stalking in the darkness" line, I'll admit it. :) But this is the perfect passage to end a fearful day with. we talked about baby chicks nestling under their mother's wings. we talked about angels coming and guarding us through the night. and we talked about how this is like a little message for us from God, telling us just what to do when we're afraid.
and I'm not saying we did it perfectly, or that it was the magic potion that worked for this time, or anything like that. I'm jsut saying that I saw God work in their little hearts, and take away the fear. Josiah sweetly said, "um, mom, I didn't forget about the robber, I just....." and he told me something TOTALLY random, I don't even remember what it was. but the fact that I could see him release his fear (which had him in tears moments before) without even releasing the memory of the experience proved to me that God really IS bigger than the boogie man, he's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on tv. (veggies tales reference for those of you deprived people in the world who don't know bob and larry).
and he's BIGGER than being robbed. of stuff, of security, of sentimental value, of hard work, of anything. so BOOM. take THAT, robber! WE WIN!!!!
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
a few things...
so, it's the middle of April and I haven't blogged once in 2014. So I guess it's time to get a few things on the ol' internet for all to see. sometimes I wonder why I do this. and then random people approach me at random times and tell me that either a) they read my blog, or b) they like reading my blog, which I guess don't necessarily mean the same thing, but it makes me feel like something besides the babysitter/seamstress/mom in me matters. and it's fun for me to go back and read about my life. if you know me well, it's no secret that I can NOT remember ANYTHING ever, which makes me look like a really bad friend on many an occasion. but it's not intentional, promise. plus it's awesome because I can rewatch Friday Night Lights over and over and over again and recite the lines with them but still wonder how each episode will turn out. it's awesome! :)
ok so anyway, I figured I'll write a few things out again. just...you know, the recent happenings. the hydeen happenings. yep. I just did that.
1. so the beginning of the year kinda sucked. I'm not even exactly sure why, but I was just really sad. didn't quite feel like myself, laid around a lot, crushed too much candy, cleaned on a rare occasion, and cried more than usual. I actually think a lot of it was sparked by a book I read which was supposed to teach me about being a great wife for my dear husband, and instead made me feel like the worst wife EVER in the whole entire world and like there was no possible way I could be everything he needed me to be, so I went with the obvious decision and was NOTHING that he needed me to be. not exactly sure how that made sense in my head but I went with it. still slowly climbing out of it, if I'm being totally honest. but the good news is that I"m slowly forgetting everything the book said, since that's what I do! and that probably helps the situation a bit.
2. or it might be the fact that mini cadbury eggs made their appearance for the year, and that seems to help whatever ails you, right? now, listen here. I'm full of self control when it comes to money. but not so much when it comes to portion control. So those suckers at Cadbury know how to get someone like me. I can say "no" to the giant (but actually quite small) purple bag of heavenly chocolate drops, because I"m unwilling to pay 4 bucks for a small bag that I will eat in entirety in one afternoon. BUT, they have these 69 cent mini bags with just a handfull of them inside, and I let myself buy one every time I see one. it's small, and cheap, and it's helping with "the sadness." so I figure I can't go wrong. right? RIGHT???
3. I started doing some indoor photography the last few months. It started bc I wanted to do my own pinkadink photo shoot, which could also be read that I procrastinate way too much to get prepared for a shoot with another photographer ever again like I did last year. even though it was AWESOME last year, I thought I could save myself some last minute stress and do it myself. I liked it, thought the pics turned out pretty cute, and people started asking me to do their baby shoots, etc. so I said I would! I took a photo editing class last fall, and so I bought some new editing software a couple months ago so I'd know what I'm doing when it comes time to edit the WEDDING pics I'm taking in May. Yes, I"m doing a wedding. (what!?!) but I'm so excited! so anyway, I was doing all these photo shoots, and ended up pretty happy with the pics in general, and then someone tried to print them and they were SO HORRIBLE. I thought surely it was just a problem with how they were saved or something bc the digital versions looked way way way better. anyway, I tried for like 3 or 4 weeks to figure out the problem. I stressed out so much over these darn pictures. I spent hours and hours and hours trying to figure it out. I asked 3 other photographers to see if they could help me figure it out. LONG STORY SHORT: Sara Crane is my hero. I was just whining to her one day about the problem, and how much stress it was causing me, and she googled the problem, gave me a link, I followed these totally random directions for doing who knows what, and changed a setting that the software came with, and it worked. ba-da-bing. easy as pie. I cried happy tears and then got raging mad that I spent hours in the software "help" section when all along I should have just used GOOGLE. I google things about 700 times a day, but didn't ever google that problem, since I thought I'd find the answer in the actual help tab. sooooo anyway, here's a little glimpse of the cuties I've been shooting. :) and here's the link to my facebook page if you want to check it out:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Studio-H/1347534618719184
ok so anyway, I figured I'll write a few things out again. just...you know, the recent happenings. the hydeen happenings. yep. I just did that.
1. so the beginning of the year kinda sucked. I'm not even exactly sure why, but I was just really sad. didn't quite feel like myself, laid around a lot, crushed too much candy, cleaned on a rare occasion, and cried more than usual. I actually think a lot of it was sparked by a book I read which was supposed to teach me about being a great wife for my dear husband, and instead made me feel like the worst wife EVER in the whole entire world and like there was no possible way I could be everything he needed me to be, so I went with the obvious decision and was NOTHING that he needed me to be. not exactly sure how that made sense in my head but I went with it. still slowly climbing out of it, if I'm being totally honest. but the good news is that I"m slowly forgetting everything the book said, since that's what I do! and that probably helps the situation a bit.
2. or it might be the fact that mini cadbury eggs made their appearance for the year, and that seems to help whatever ails you, right? now, listen here. I'm full of self control when it comes to money. but not so much when it comes to portion control. So those suckers at Cadbury know how to get someone like me. I can say "no" to the giant (but actually quite small) purple bag of heavenly chocolate drops, because I"m unwilling to pay 4 bucks for a small bag that I will eat in entirety in one afternoon. BUT, they have these 69 cent mini bags with just a handfull of them inside, and I let myself buy one every time I see one. it's small, and cheap, and it's helping with "the sadness." so I figure I can't go wrong. right? RIGHT???
3. I started doing some indoor photography the last few months. It started bc I wanted to do my own pinkadink photo shoot, which could also be read that I procrastinate way too much to get prepared for a shoot with another photographer ever again like I did last year. even though it was AWESOME last year, I thought I could save myself some last minute stress and do it myself. I liked it, thought the pics turned out pretty cute, and people started asking me to do their baby shoots, etc. so I said I would! I took a photo editing class last fall, and so I bought some new editing software a couple months ago so I'd know what I'm doing when it comes time to edit the WEDDING pics I'm taking in May. Yes, I"m doing a wedding. (what!?!) but I'm so excited! so anyway, I was doing all these photo shoots, and ended up pretty happy with the pics in general, and then someone tried to print them and they were SO HORRIBLE. I thought surely it was just a problem with how they were saved or something bc the digital versions looked way way way better. anyway, I tried for like 3 or 4 weeks to figure out the problem. I stressed out so much over these darn pictures. I spent hours and hours and hours trying to figure it out. I asked 3 other photographers to see if they could help me figure it out. LONG STORY SHORT: Sara Crane is my hero. I was just whining to her one day about the problem, and how much stress it was causing me, and she googled the problem, gave me a link, I followed these totally random directions for doing who knows what, and changed a setting that the software came with, and it worked. ba-da-bing. easy as pie. I cried happy tears and then got raging mad that I spent hours in the software "help" section when all along I should have just used GOOGLE. I google things about 700 times a day, but didn't ever google that problem, since I thought I'd find the answer in the actual help tab. sooooo anyway, here's a little glimpse of the cuties I've been shooting. :) and here's the link to my facebook page if you want to check it out:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Studio-H/1347534618719184
4. another new thing in recent months is that we joined the YMCA and I'm doing body pump twice a week. It's not nearly as fun as when I did a trial class with my sisters over Christmas, but it does feel good to feel stronger. I could barely move the first week, got stuck when I tried to pee, and felt like I had weighted shoulder pads in every shirt for about 2 weeks straight. but now I'm getting strong, and I even did a couple pushups on my TOES last week, which is major. The only problem? I'm gaining weight. so I decided to try and measure inches lost instead, hoping that would boost my spirits. and, um, well, let's just say....see #2 of this post. :(
5. and I'm not the only one eating candy around here either. The kids' bus driver gave them each a bag full of candy a couple weeks ago. yes, this would be the same bus driver I had a little chit chat with a while back about slamming on the brakes when the kids were doing something out of line, even if it meant just having their foot in the aisle. I HATE confrontation and it was a huge deal for me to climb up on that bus and talk to her about my concern, but I put my big girl pants on and TOTALLY humiliated my kids, but it had to be done. and now she's totally kissing my butt by giving out candy bags and friendly honking at me when she drives off after the kids get off the bus. and I'm like 'whatever, lady! just don't slam on your freaking breaks with kids inside!'
6. daycare is winding down. I have had a variety of daycare situations over the last 5 years, but Maddie (that cutie in the b/w pic up there) has been with me for 4 of them. That girl is as close to my own kid as you can get. But I always said that I wanted to stay home with MY kids (which is why I did daycare instead of teaching) and not necessarily OTHER people's kids, and Brielle is going to kindergarten next year, so it's time to be done. I'm now spending my days half-dreading and half-desiring the days in the future when I can just, like, do whatever I want whenever I want. sorta. it's like the dream from when you were a kid and you thought that's what adulthood would be like, and then it doesn't turn out that way, but then all the sudden all your kids are in school and it sorta DOES turn out that way. except for the fact that you have to figure out how to pay the bills (that's the half-dreading part), which leads me to my new job.
7. I've started sewing princess inspired fleece hoodies for a lady here in Omaha who can't keep up with her etsy shop. she has EIGHT seamstresses and we'll be super busy from Aug through Dec because apparently there are a lot of people willing to pay over $100 for a hoodie for their little girl. I'm certainly not one of them, but just in case you are, then you should check out this shop!!! http://www.etsy.com/shop/MagicPrincessWhitney?ref=l2-shopheader-name I'll be trained in Rapunzel, Snow White, Anna, Elsa, and the my little pony ones. so that will keep me super busy and give me lots of time to work on my posture since I am convinced I'll be a hunchback in a couple years if I continue to sew the way I do. so, posture practice it is! I'm not totally sure what will happen with the pinkadink during those months. I'll probably see if I can do both for a while, but if it gets to be too much I'll have to close the shop for a bit while I work on making the big bucks. :) for those of you who think my pinkaink stuff is overpriced, well, I BARELY make a profit off it so I gotta do what I gotta do for my family now, so hoodies will have to take priority. kinda sad, huh? but I am really excited for it too. We just got our taxes done for the year and I was reminded once again that nobody else in the whole world would work as much as I do for the pinkadink and get paid what I get paid for doing it. so... I"m trying to figure out what to do with that information, once again. and this gives me a chance to still sew cute stuff and get paid pretty good to do it.
ok, it's time for me to make taco soup. the kids are not impressed with the idea, and they are quite tired of me trying out new recipes. I'm actually considering starting a new blog where I just post aobut stuff I"m doing around my house, not necessarily personal stuff like I do here. and recipes would definitely be a part of that since people ALWAYS ask me what we eat. and like craft projects or DIY things that I've always wanted to do and would feel inspired if i was going to blog about it. but I don't know, would anybody even read that??? hard to know.
alright, in the words of Paco, and in honor of being TEN YEARS past our semester in Spain next month, "paz afuera."
which is a really horrible gringo translation of "peace out."
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
the debt reduction diaries: holy smokes we did it for a year
so, our Belize trip happened in July, and then on Aug 1st our world was rocked by the death of our sweet friend Katie, and after that I never got back into blogging about money. There are a variety of reasons for that I guess, but now that we're coming up on ONE YEAR of rice and beans, I thought I'd give a quick little update.
First of all, I never mentioned the money miracles that happened in connection to our Belize trip. We raised our 1/3 of the trip cost very easily thanks to many of you, and were able to put more than our share in the group fund! We praise God for that! We also had so many people give us money to use for personal expenses, which was a HUGE part of the financial stress we had for the trip! It was incredible to watch God at work in His people and all the random (well, I guess they weren't really random, now, were they...) things that happened to make this trip work for us. We had WAAAAY more trip expenses than we ever thought we would. It turned out that we were going to have to pay about $200 of our own money (no, we didn't know where it was going to come from yet...) to make sure we had what we needed to go, even though people were crazy generous with what they gave us. We just had no idea that passports, travel stuff, and SHOTS were going to add up to be so crazy much. So anyway, there we were, a few days from leaving, and not knowing what to do, when a neighbor lady stopped over with some money for us, and then we got more from Steve's aunt who had always meant to send it earlier and never did. and in the end, we had $16 more than what we needed for our personal expenses. I realize that I just wrote that whole paragraph with so much emotion in my heart that you can't READ, but I was just amazed at how God met every need we had concerning that trip.
Another little blessing was that a family that I babysat for during most of my life in OC also decided to send some money, even though they knew we had what we needed. They knew that me taking a week off of work being self-employed would be a kicker, and wanted their money to help with that. and i was like WHAT!?!?! I probably never even thought of the extra work I'd have to be doing with the pinkadink for taking a week off, but God had. and they had. and so even the KIDS (who are older now but still TEENAGERS) gave out of their own money for us to be able to cover some of that burden.
and I just felt SO BLESSED to have grown up in such a loving family and community to see all that money pour in to support us on that journey. Our hearts are forever changed because of it.
So anyway, the rest of the summer and the fall were full of financial surprises. Here are a few of the ones I can remember. :)
We had to get a new water heater. The guy who came to take a look said we were so lucky to have gotten 34 years out of that thing, but we decided that all the previous owners were the lucky ones, and not us! :) anyway, long story short, we had an extra paycheck from Steve's work because he gets paid bi-weekly so twice a year there's an extra paycheck. and even though I certainly didn't have "new hot water heater" on the top of my list of things to spend that check on, it was the winner! But it felt so good to have the money on hand and write the check instead of waiting to see how we'd figure this one out! It gave us some serious perspective of how our future could be when we're done paying this debt and saving up for things like that. This time still felt like a miracle, but in the future I hope to be in the same boat because of good planning and stewardship of our money!
another odd thing...I'm convinced that someone payed our medical bills. I had an appointment this summer for just my regular check up and mammogram. and when I went to pay the bill, I realized it was actually two bills and we couldn't pay both that month, so I was going to wait til the next month and pay it then. Well then when I went to pay it the next month it was gone from the system. I was so confused but in a hurry so I couldn't look into it at that time. And then later I got mail from the clinic and thought surely it was my bill and instead found an overpayment check of like $30 or soemthing. So I was SO confused and went back to my bank records and searched and searched for my payment and couldn't find it anywhere. SO, my only conclusion is that somebody must have paid it. I feel like I remember asking one time about my OWN bills over the phone and they some weird thing about how they can't tell you the amount over the phone. so if someone did that and didn't get an exact answer, and then just paid what they thought and over paid by $30 or something, that's the ONLY thing that could possibly make sense in my head!!! So if it was YOU who did that, I don't even know how to say thanks except for on here, and just pray that you know how much we appreciate it!
ok but here's the weirdest thing about that situation. I was feeling a little sick about this whole blog and the idea that I was writing what was hard for us during this journey and then all these awesome people would step up and help to make it easier for us, with food, or money, or whatever. And I just had this thing in my heart bugging me about if I was really trusting God, and what would happen if I didn't even tell anyone what was hard, and THEN what would happen? was it really a trust in God to provide or was it a trust in my blog readers? (that's one of the reasons I quit blogging these last few months. I didn't feel like I could be honest about it all because the people are too awesome and want to help! so I guess I needed to feel like I could do it without the blog.) so anyway, I had only told ONE very close friend that I couldn't pay the bill. and she swore she didn't pay it. so, I don't know. somebody was listening to God I guess. oh my gosh, I just have to figure out what I can do for someone else after a story like that.
ok, um...another sweet deal...we had a hail storm in March or soemthing. April maybe? and just a few weeks ago got all the work on the house done! so YAY, we now have a new roof, the house is painted, the deck is re-done, and we didn't spend a penny (well, except for our deductible I guess, but we didn't have to write the check)! We actually knew we'd have extra money from the claim so we used a little to buy a new (the very cheapest, but way better than what we had) sliding door for our back deck. It was a MUCH needed investment for this little home, but now we are getting all the final numbers figured out with the insurance company and the contractor and all that, and we're nervous that we may have spend prematurely. The problem was that winter was coming and our neighborhood had seen a spike in home break-ins through the back doors, and ours was falling apart so bad that you just had to lift it a little and slide it open, even when it was locked. So that made us nervous enough to make the investment at the time, but now we're wondering how it'll all turn out. prayers appreciated as we wrap up that process! (we DO have money in our "van fund" from that hail damage if we need it, but we're also getting nervous that our little Honda is gonna bite the dust soon, so we'd rather not use it.)
so yeah, our house has just been totally freaking out these last few months. We also had a bathtub spazz out and insist on staying ON unless we jimmy-rigged this huge pole thing to put pressure on the knob to not pop out. anyway, we eventually got it fixed, but of course it wasn't as easy as it seemed and ended up being a huge project! ugh...
our van battery was also giving us many problems, and I had about ten dead batteries in the course of a couple months. But my daddio came to the rescue and bought us a new one, so that's one more thing off the list of "things to replace around here." thanks Dad. :)
Then we had a leak under our sink that made the bottom of the cupboard so soggy that our water filter system crashed through the floor of it. So Larry was back again (our handy-man-hero) this week to fix another Hydeen House problem.
so, like I said, it's been a few months full of surprises. some good, some bad, but in general, we feel really grateful to God that we started this journey in January so that things like this aren't totally major stressors in our life. When we have something come up, we just pay for it and take it out of the next month's debt snowball. and that really sucks but it's what we have to do.
and speaking of debt snowball, we officially paid off $10,000 of debt this year. About $6000 was the minimum payment due on all our freaking loans, but that also means that we put $4000 extra toward it this year, which is so exciting! When I think of all the money we had to put toward the house, and all the money we tithed this year (it was our first official year of really truly tithing), I'm just AMAZED at how God has met all our needs! Last year at this time, it seemed impossible to even be able to tithe, but we stepped out in trust and not only did we tithe, but we have done much more than that! Yes, it was a lot of hard work, and we still feel like we're in the same boat as when we started: tons of student loan debt and no grocery money. :) BUT it's totally worth it to know we won't be in this boat forever.
it's been incredible to have our monthly budget meetings, and spend that whole month's money in one shot, and then just trust that it'll all work out for the rest of the month. We've used some extra pinkadink money to make up for the snowball when we've had home repairs and such, and then I just have to PRAY that for whatever reason, lots of people will order stuff that month, and then I sit back and watch it happen. It feels like I've got a front row seat for watching God go to work. It's probably been this way all along, but I'm just so much more aware of it really being God and not me.
We're so thankful for all our random sources of income. the pinkadink (I made a profit for the first time this year!), 88improv, my photography, daycare. all these little amounts that, put together, allow me to be home while we tackle this debt.
and so.... we carry on. :)
I'll be adding a baby to my daycare situation next year, just a few days a week. because who doesn't love to get paid for snuggling babies??? :) and my very first plan for that money is to up our grocery budget! wooooo hooooo!!!!
but besides that, we plan on just trucking along the way we have been! I'm planning on being done with daycare for next year when Brielle goes to kindergarten, so that'll change things up agian for us, and we'll see what happens with our income at that point! eek!
as we finish out this year, it's been fun to explain to the kids that because of all the choices we've made with our money this year (yes, the same ones they've complained about), we have a little money to choose how we want to spend it, and for the first time we're getting them a Christmas gift! I'm not sure if they've ever realized it or not, but they've never gotten a "real" gift from us. so this year we have a real christmas budget and if I thought it was fun to buy Christmas gifts for people before, well, it's a million times more fun when you're financially prepared! We also did Christmas cards instead of just printing a picture, which was really fun for me too. I did the photography, the designing, and ordered them as business postcards and used a coupon to get them for only 40 cents each, and I love how they turned out! plus it's a postcard so I save a little on postage to.
so all in all, I'd say it was a very successful year for our family with our debt reduction. I'm sure Dave Ramsey and his hardcore fans would find many areas we could have done better, but we're focusing on US and what WE want to do with God's money that he's given us to use.
It's been a ride, folks, and I"m mighty sick of rice and beans. Thanks for the encouragement along the way. (can you believe it's been a year already?) I know I checked out of the blogging part of the journey, not that you even noticed, but it was good. So many of you have said that you're in the same boat, so if nothing else, I just want to encourage you to make little changes that seem insignificant til you add them all up. every little bit counts.
so, I'm not sure if this is officially the end of "the debt reduction diaries:" series, but it's been fun.
thanks for reading. :)
First of all, I never mentioned the money miracles that happened in connection to our Belize trip. We raised our 1/3 of the trip cost very easily thanks to many of you, and were able to put more than our share in the group fund! We praise God for that! We also had so many people give us money to use for personal expenses, which was a HUGE part of the financial stress we had for the trip! It was incredible to watch God at work in His people and all the random (well, I guess they weren't really random, now, were they...) things that happened to make this trip work for us. We had WAAAAY more trip expenses than we ever thought we would. It turned out that we were going to have to pay about $200 of our own money (no, we didn't know where it was going to come from yet...) to make sure we had what we needed to go, even though people were crazy generous with what they gave us. We just had no idea that passports, travel stuff, and SHOTS were going to add up to be so crazy much. So anyway, there we were, a few days from leaving, and not knowing what to do, when a neighbor lady stopped over with some money for us, and then we got more from Steve's aunt who had always meant to send it earlier and never did. and in the end, we had $16 more than what we needed for our personal expenses. I realize that I just wrote that whole paragraph with so much emotion in my heart that you can't READ, but I was just amazed at how God met every need we had concerning that trip.
Another little blessing was that a family that I babysat for during most of my life in OC also decided to send some money, even though they knew we had what we needed. They knew that me taking a week off of work being self-employed would be a kicker, and wanted their money to help with that. and i was like WHAT!?!?! I probably never even thought of the extra work I'd have to be doing with the pinkadink for taking a week off, but God had. and they had. and so even the KIDS (who are older now but still TEENAGERS) gave out of their own money for us to be able to cover some of that burden.
and I just felt SO BLESSED to have grown up in such a loving family and community to see all that money pour in to support us on that journey. Our hearts are forever changed because of it.
So anyway, the rest of the summer and the fall were full of financial surprises. Here are a few of the ones I can remember. :)
We had to get a new water heater. The guy who came to take a look said we were so lucky to have gotten 34 years out of that thing, but we decided that all the previous owners were the lucky ones, and not us! :) anyway, long story short, we had an extra paycheck from Steve's work because he gets paid bi-weekly so twice a year there's an extra paycheck. and even though I certainly didn't have "new hot water heater" on the top of my list of things to spend that check on, it was the winner! But it felt so good to have the money on hand and write the check instead of waiting to see how we'd figure this one out! It gave us some serious perspective of how our future could be when we're done paying this debt and saving up for things like that. This time still felt like a miracle, but in the future I hope to be in the same boat because of good planning and stewardship of our money!
another odd thing...I'm convinced that someone payed our medical bills. I had an appointment this summer for just my regular check up and mammogram. and when I went to pay the bill, I realized it was actually two bills and we couldn't pay both that month, so I was going to wait til the next month and pay it then. Well then when I went to pay it the next month it was gone from the system. I was so confused but in a hurry so I couldn't look into it at that time. And then later I got mail from the clinic and thought surely it was my bill and instead found an overpayment check of like $30 or soemthing. So I was SO confused and went back to my bank records and searched and searched for my payment and couldn't find it anywhere. SO, my only conclusion is that somebody must have paid it. I feel like I remember asking one time about my OWN bills over the phone and they some weird thing about how they can't tell you the amount over the phone. so if someone did that and didn't get an exact answer, and then just paid what they thought and over paid by $30 or something, that's the ONLY thing that could possibly make sense in my head!!! So if it was YOU who did that, I don't even know how to say thanks except for on here, and just pray that you know how much we appreciate it!
ok but here's the weirdest thing about that situation. I was feeling a little sick about this whole blog and the idea that I was writing what was hard for us during this journey and then all these awesome people would step up and help to make it easier for us, with food, or money, or whatever. And I just had this thing in my heart bugging me about if I was really trusting God, and what would happen if I didn't even tell anyone what was hard, and THEN what would happen? was it really a trust in God to provide or was it a trust in my blog readers? (that's one of the reasons I quit blogging these last few months. I didn't feel like I could be honest about it all because the people are too awesome and want to help! so I guess I needed to feel like I could do it without the blog.) so anyway, I had only told ONE very close friend that I couldn't pay the bill. and she swore she didn't pay it. so, I don't know. somebody was listening to God I guess. oh my gosh, I just have to figure out what I can do for someone else after a story like that.
ok, um...another sweet deal...we had a hail storm in March or soemthing. April maybe? and just a few weeks ago got all the work on the house done! so YAY, we now have a new roof, the house is painted, the deck is re-done, and we didn't spend a penny (well, except for our deductible I guess, but we didn't have to write the check)! We actually knew we'd have extra money from the claim so we used a little to buy a new (the very cheapest, but way better than what we had) sliding door for our back deck. It was a MUCH needed investment for this little home, but now we are getting all the final numbers figured out with the insurance company and the contractor and all that, and we're nervous that we may have spend prematurely. The problem was that winter was coming and our neighborhood had seen a spike in home break-ins through the back doors, and ours was falling apart so bad that you just had to lift it a little and slide it open, even when it was locked. So that made us nervous enough to make the investment at the time, but now we're wondering how it'll all turn out. prayers appreciated as we wrap up that process! (we DO have money in our "van fund" from that hail damage if we need it, but we're also getting nervous that our little Honda is gonna bite the dust soon, so we'd rather not use it.)
so yeah, our house has just been totally freaking out these last few months. We also had a bathtub spazz out and insist on staying ON unless we jimmy-rigged this huge pole thing to put pressure on the knob to not pop out. anyway, we eventually got it fixed, but of course it wasn't as easy as it seemed and ended up being a huge project! ugh...
our van battery was also giving us many problems, and I had about ten dead batteries in the course of a couple months. But my daddio came to the rescue and bought us a new one, so that's one more thing off the list of "things to replace around here." thanks Dad. :)
Then we had a leak under our sink that made the bottom of the cupboard so soggy that our water filter system crashed through the floor of it. So Larry was back again (our handy-man-hero) this week to fix another Hydeen House problem.
so, like I said, it's been a few months full of surprises. some good, some bad, but in general, we feel really grateful to God that we started this journey in January so that things like this aren't totally major stressors in our life. When we have something come up, we just pay for it and take it out of the next month's debt snowball. and that really sucks but it's what we have to do.
and speaking of debt snowball, we officially paid off $10,000 of debt this year. About $6000 was the minimum payment due on all our freaking loans, but that also means that we put $4000 extra toward it this year, which is so exciting! When I think of all the money we had to put toward the house, and all the money we tithed this year (it was our first official year of really truly tithing), I'm just AMAZED at how God has met all our needs! Last year at this time, it seemed impossible to even be able to tithe, but we stepped out in trust and not only did we tithe, but we have done much more than that! Yes, it was a lot of hard work, and we still feel like we're in the same boat as when we started: tons of student loan debt and no grocery money. :) BUT it's totally worth it to know we won't be in this boat forever.
it's been incredible to have our monthly budget meetings, and spend that whole month's money in one shot, and then just trust that it'll all work out for the rest of the month. We've used some extra pinkadink money to make up for the snowball when we've had home repairs and such, and then I just have to PRAY that for whatever reason, lots of people will order stuff that month, and then I sit back and watch it happen. It feels like I've got a front row seat for watching God go to work. It's probably been this way all along, but I'm just so much more aware of it really being God and not me.
We're so thankful for all our random sources of income. the pinkadink (I made a profit for the first time this year!), 88improv, my photography, daycare. all these little amounts that, put together, allow me to be home while we tackle this debt.
and so.... we carry on. :)
I'll be adding a baby to my daycare situation next year, just a few days a week. because who doesn't love to get paid for snuggling babies??? :) and my very first plan for that money is to up our grocery budget! wooooo hooooo!!!!
but besides that, we plan on just trucking along the way we have been! I'm planning on being done with daycare for next year when Brielle goes to kindergarten, so that'll change things up agian for us, and we'll see what happens with our income at that point! eek!
as we finish out this year, it's been fun to explain to the kids that because of all the choices we've made with our money this year (yes, the same ones they've complained about), we have a little money to choose how we want to spend it, and for the first time we're getting them a Christmas gift! I'm not sure if they've ever realized it or not, but they've never gotten a "real" gift from us. so this year we have a real christmas budget and if I thought it was fun to buy Christmas gifts for people before, well, it's a million times more fun when you're financially prepared! We also did Christmas cards instead of just printing a picture, which was really fun for me too. I did the photography, the designing, and ordered them as business postcards and used a coupon to get them for only 40 cents each, and I love how they turned out! plus it's a postcard so I save a little on postage to.
so all in all, I'd say it was a very successful year for our family with our debt reduction. I'm sure Dave Ramsey and his hardcore fans would find many areas we could have done better, but we're focusing on US and what WE want to do with God's money that he's given us to use.
It's been a ride, folks, and I"m mighty sick of rice and beans. Thanks for the encouragement along the way. (can you believe it's been a year already?) I know I checked out of the blogging part of the journey, not that you even noticed, but it was good. So many of you have said that you're in the same boat, so if nothing else, I just want to encourage you to make little changes that seem insignificant til you add them all up. every little bit counts.
so, I'm not sure if this is officially the end of "the debt reduction diaries:" series, but it's been fun.
thanks for reading. :)
Monday, November 4, 2013
halloween: 2013 (wicked)
I love Halloween. I know lots of Christians have strong beliefs about not participating, and okay, whatever for you. But I'm gonna. We never do anything scary or evil, but playing dress up, meeting or chatting with the neighbors, and getting free candy all sound like a pretty great evening to me!!! I could write an entire post on that whole idea, but I think other people have already done it, and said it better than I could, so I'll just carry on with the costumes. :)
This year, we just had to do the Wicked theme again because Lillian has been DYING to be Glinda since the day after Halloween when she was 5, which was when SHE was Elphaba. remember this??
Lillian as Elphaba, 2009 (the unedited (barely green) picture bc I can't find my pics from that year...hm...)
So finally this year I agreed to it, and our theme was set.
My original plan was for Elphaba, Glinda, Dr. Dillamond, a flying monkey, and an Emerald City resident. BUT...as luck would have it, I couldn't find ANYTHING that would work for Dr. Dillamond besides like a $70 mask I found online. not gonna work. and I also couldn't find anything for Josiah to be a flying monkey, especially because, well, the monkeys in Wicked don't really look a whole lot like monkeys, so we went with plan B.
Here we have this year's Elphaba:
For Brielle's costume, we already had that blue jumper thing, but for some reason I could NOT find the blue turtleneck from Lillian's year, but thankfully Goodwill had one for me! we had also gotten this purple jacket as a hand me down, and I threw it in the costume box just in case we'd need it for Elphaba some year, and I'm so glad I did! of course we already had the knitted hat, but needed a new wig since Lillian's got destroyed long ago. and after Lillian got her fake glasses, Brielle REALLY wanted some, so we got here these so they could be used sort of generically, and they worked for Elphaba, even though they look nothing like Elphaba's glasses. :) so, wig, turtleneck, and glasses. that's it! oh, and green facepaint, even though you can't tell (again...the same thing happened in the pictures of Lillian! oh well..).
The deal for Miss Glinda this year was that she'd have to wear our Cinderella dress instead of buying a new one, since it was practically perfect for Glinda, even though it has Cinderella carraiges on the bottom, which REALLY bugged her, but at least I clipped off the Cinderella jewel thing on the bust. so the only purchase for this costume was the foam crown from Hobby Lobby for like $1.50 or something! Thanks Hazel for letting us borrow your wand!
These Emerald City folks were the hardest. I searched like 3 different Goodwill stores and finally found that perfect green dress for me, even if it was a little big. hello?!?! green ruffly dress? at Goodwill? perfect. and I also got the boa from Hobby Lobby at 40% off, and the little mask for Josiah too. I made his bowtie, and even though you can't see it, we bought green spray for his hair. in real life it was green! For my hat, I used these big ball party decorations I bought a few years ago for Lillian's birthday party. They collapse to store flat, and when I saw them that day in the basement I decided to make myself a hat out of them! So I folded the big one inside itself and put my bun thing through the hole, and then grabbed a smaller one and flipped it the opposite way and stuck my bun through that one! easy peasy, and it really made the whole outfit come together! oh, and the scarf is pinkadink material I already had! woot!
Lillian told him that in the Emerald City scene, they're always dancing. so here's Josiah...dancing. :)
here's the 4 of us waiting for our wizard to get home!!!
he arrived!! :)
Steve's costume was easy because we have dutch costumes in this house! So he got his fancy jacket and top hat from his costume, added a white shirt he already had, used my scarf for his big thick tie, and a pin striped vest from one of his suits from back in his hotel days when he wore suits every day. we bought him the mustache sticker and the fancy cane, with grand ideas of singing "wonderful, they call me wonderful" all the day long. which we did.
and, because the patriarch of the fam is an actor, we needed a "dramatic" photo. You can tell the Brielle and I are obviously the most comfortable with that decision. ;) whatever. if I get to dress you all, I'll "pose" for a photo or two.
and for those of you who aren't familiar with WICKED (you poor, poor things!) then maybe this little visual will be of help. :) Here's the characters from the musical, and our attempt at looking like them without spending more than a few bucks here and there. :)
so, there ya have it. Happy Halloween from the Hydeens! :)
Sunday, October 13, 2013
heart-felt weekend.
When I opened up blogger to write this post I had FOUR draft posts that never got published, or probably even completed.
I guess you could say I've been in a "funk" since my last post. Katie's death really put things in perspective I guess, and nothing else really feels like it matters. too often I use my blog to complain about kids, or about money, or whatever. too much negativity. and I've just realized that when it comes down to it, lots of things don't matter.
but also, lots of things do.
This weekend I left by MYSELF to the Orange City area. It's weird for me to be by myself. I'm not very good at it even though I love it. so it left me with mixed emotions to be heading out all alone.
at 5:45am on Saturday morning I left, and sat with myself for over two hours to get to my craft show in sioux center on time. I haven't slept much for the last two weeks. staying up til midnight or so most nights, and then up at 5:30 or so to sew before the day begins. and just for some perspective, I'm usually an 8 hour sleeper who also naps on a regular basis. so I was very tired after two weeks of burning the candle at both ends, or whatever the saying is. and the first hour of my drive was brutal. but sometime between 7 and 7:30 the sky started changing. I was on I-29 and it was all happening to my right. the sun rising and filling the sky with beautiful colors, mostly pinks, lingering over the cornfields until the blazing glow of the actual sun peeked up. It felt like a little painting from God, for me. a little treasure and a whisper of his presence. and my heart actually felt different.
and that was the start of it. I had no idea what my heart was in for over the next day. so many many different times where I could feel the actual organ of my heart swelling with emotion over this little life I'm living.
my peaceful ride over to Sioux Center ended abruptly when I arrived with 45 minutes to get my whole booth ready for the craft show. and then it was a whirlwind of a morning taking orders, etc. for the show. but at one point I just stepped outside my body for a minute to take a look at the situation. and there I was, with this business I created, working the booth with my sister (if ONLY that could be real life every day!!!), and people actually wanting to buy my stuff! and yeah, my heart swelled. and I felt so blessed by the way this little thing called the pinkadink has evolved into that moment there with my sister.
after that I went to spend a few minutes with my nieces and nephew. when I don't have my kids with me I enjoy them so much more bc they actually remember that I exist as a real person instead of just filling the role as their cousins' mom. :) so anyway, I was DOG tired but they just wanted to play with me, so up they climbed on the couch with me, waiting patiently while I rested so I could play barbies for about 2 mintues. (I tried to warn Hazel that I was bad at playing barbies, but she didn't seem to care. we played "speed barbies" and got them all ready to go to the ball, which was perfect, because I had to go before the part I'm bad at, which is, like, making up conversations between them and actually playing WITH them.) But once again, I found myself with a sort of out of body experience watching this 32 year old playing barbies in fast forward with a 4 year old who just thought it was awesome. and my heart smiled.
from there I was on my way to meet a new friend for supper. I say "new friend" but she's actually been in my life for....well, forever it seems. since I was 16 I guess. the big sister of my boyfriend's (now husband's) best friend. I've always known her, just didn't realize that we are like SOUL SISTERS or something with very crazy similarities. and recently we've become really great email friends, since we rarely see each other in person. but by golly, we both deserved a girls night out, so we took one. ended up at the hatchery for fried mushrooms (yep, still love them.) and a really mediocre supper. (it's hard to eat vegetarian in a small farming town like OC.) and we sat and talked grew our friendship in real life instead of email, and it filled up my little conversation tank. see, I've recently realized I'm introverted. ok, so I guess I've always known that but the recent part is that I've figured out what that means in my life. I'm very very very strongly ISFP for anyone who cares about that. :) being an introvert for me doesn't mean I don't like being with people though. it just exhausts me. and my ideal situation is actually to be with people, just maybe like, one or two people at a time. it allows you to get away from the superficial conversations, ya know? so sitting and talking with a friend and moving beyond all the stuff you scrape the surface on with everyone else was just so delightful. and then, because I felt totally jipped about the fact that I NEVER get to go out to eat, and then the one time I do I'm sorely disappointed, I decided we had better go get some frozen yogurt to numb the pain of money wasted. :) so off we went. two friends sitting and talking and eating ice cream. just what my heart needed.
after that I parked the van at NWC and walked over to the band competition. if you were never involved in field band in high school then I'm really sad for you. I've always felt like I was a musical person, and I'm very easily moved by music. the problem for me was that they put a clarinet in my hands and I was stuck. I thought about switching when i was in middle school, but that would have been way too much work, so I just stuck with band because I loved band, even though I hated my instrument. So finally in high school I begged my band teacher to let me do other things in the band besides play my clarinet, and I was the proud carrier of the POD banner at one point. :) and eventually I auditioned for the field conductor position my senior year. and that year, for the first time I felt like I was able to express myself musically, IN BAND, because I was able to be a part of it without playing an instrument. so there's a lot of emotion tied up for me in field band. It was like all the years I stuck with the stupid clarinet that I hated, paid off when I got to be up there on that box doing something musically.
so anyway, I arrived by myself, and I found the first spot on the aisle that I could bc I refused to walk down in front of everyone looking for a spot by people I knew. I kept my head down, walked to the aisle, found the first spot I could (by a random stranger) and totally annoyed her by sitting on the edge of her bleacher. but there I sat by myself, watching these bands do their thing and getting more and more impatient for the POD to perform. that was when I realized how much I belong with Steve. I literally felt my heart aching for his presence. not because I was feeling sorry for myself being all alone, but just because I know how much more I enjoy experiences with him by my side. and I was FREEZING and just really wanted him with me! thankfully my friend called me and I joined her and her family way up at the top for the last three performances. She's no Steve, but it was so much better to be enjoying it with other people! :)
when my high school band took the field, my heart was pounding. (I am fully aware this is all sounds so ridiculous to so many of you, but whatever.) If you could peek in my brain and my memories and see all the emotion attached to my own band competitions in high school, then in college traveling with my parents to watch my sisters, and all the relationships and memories that grew when you're out in the freezing cold with your friends or your family and the emotional experiences the music gives you, you might 'get it' a little more. but anyway, there's "my band" on the field, and they begin the warm up facing the back stands...to the doxology. the warm up. I was already crying at the warm up.
and then they start the show. and if you didn't have ears, you'd still be totally amazed at the art created before your eyes. and if you didn't have eyes, you'd be crying at the sound of the music, even without the drill. but when you're blessed with both, and you can see and hear at the same time, and the whole show is about Iowa, and homesickness, and you're having a seriously nostalgic weekend to begin with, well, then you're toast. your emotions, and memories, and love for your people and your town and your childhood come spilling out. for real. in tears.
after that I met up with another friend. for maybe only like 4 minutes or something. and we didn't really get a chance to get past the whole "hey! how are you? how are your kids?" "we're good! how are you? how are YOUR kids?" thing. but when you see someone who has played a really big part in making you into the person that you are, it doesn't really matter how many words are spoken, or if you only see them once every one or two years. you can feel it in your heart.
and that's what the whole weekend was. experiencing all these little pieces of my life, present and past, without the distraction of my kids to pull my mind back to reality. and really feeling them in my heart.
I've been missing my mom so much lately. and I think that's a huge part of it. She loved the fall so much. and being in orange city by myself (so reminiscent of my life before marriage and kids), feeling my mom all over the place, and talking with her old friends, and my old friends, and being with family, and just ALL of it. it made me feel like I should go home and find her sitting with her cup of coffee on the front porch swing or something. and I could just sit and talk with her for hours and try to explain all these things that were making my heart FEEL in ways it just really hasn't in a long time.
so yeah, it was a lovely day in my hometown. had a majorly dead battery in my van, so I didn't make it back to omaha in time for what I was hoping to be home for, but it allowed me the chance to go to church with my sister, and get some serious snuggle time with my baby niece, and a quick dinner with my sister's family, and just so many more little blessings before I headed back home.
and THEN...when I got home, there were signs to greet me on the door. my sweet kiddos make "i love you mommy" signs and my heart was a little pool of goo in my chest. i can't believe they love me as much as they do, when I'm such a nag to them so often!
and THEN I walked in the door and was blinded by the sparkling clean-ness of my house. now, you people don't understand. I have not done a single thing for 2 weeks except for make food and sew. my day time hours are spend playing with Maddie and Brielle, and the second Maddie leaves, I "go to work" in the basement. so when I left on Sat morning, my counters were covered in dishes, the floors were covered in smashed cheerios and spilled who-knows-what, and the table was nasty, caked with about 2 weeks worth of spills and crumbs, and the bathrooms were nasty and smelly, and the hallway was just gross, and, well, you get the point. I kept saying that I'd just get through this weekend and clean next week, and to not let it get to me. We had NO toilet paper. none. and no food. sorta. and when I came back it was sparkling clean, all of it. with toilet paper on the rolls. and almond milk in the fridge. and even though you aren't supposed to love people based on their actions, my love for my man grew. by a lot.
they weren't home yet, so I had a few minutes to just sit here and think back on the weekend. my heart still fluttering with all the emotion of it all.
They got home, many hugs were exchanged, and I took a long lovely nap with my hubby, and then the 5 of us went for a walk at Standing Bear Lake.
and GOOD GRIEF!!! if there was ever a way to end a lovely weekend, it would be with my four favorite people, swinging high as the sun sets behind them. my heart was overflowing. I am living my dream. my whole life is my own dream come true, and it's so easy to forget that sometimes!
so yeah, it's been a long break from blogging, but there are things worth remembering, and things worth forgetting. and when you have a death to remind you of how you want to be living your life, then you should live it that way. my heart needs to feel more, to be more involved in my every day life.
If I saw you this weekend, you were a part of something special. even if I didn't say a word to you. you're a part of my life. my heart. my dream come true. and I'm so blessed to have been with you this weekend. and even more blessed to be home now. :)
I guess you could say I've been in a "funk" since my last post. Katie's death really put things in perspective I guess, and nothing else really feels like it matters. too often I use my blog to complain about kids, or about money, or whatever. too much negativity. and I've just realized that when it comes down to it, lots of things don't matter.
but also, lots of things do.
This weekend I left by MYSELF to the Orange City area. It's weird for me to be by myself. I'm not very good at it even though I love it. so it left me with mixed emotions to be heading out all alone.
at 5:45am on Saturday morning I left, and sat with myself for over two hours to get to my craft show in sioux center on time. I haven't slept much for the last two weeks. staying up til midnight or so most nights, and then up at 5:30 or so to sew before the day begins. and just for some perspective, I'm usually an 8 hour sleeper who also naps on a regular basis. so I was very tired after two weeks of burning the candle at both ends, or whatever the saying is. and the first hour of my drive was brutal. but sometime between 7 and 7:30 the sky started changing. I was on I-29 and it was all happening to my right. the sun rising and filling the sky with beautiful colors, mostly pinks, lingering over the cornfields until the blazing glow of the actual sun peeked up. It felt like a little painting from God, for me. a little treasure and a whisper of his presence. and my heart actually felt different.
and that was the start of it. I had no idea what my heart was in for over the next day. so many many different times where I could feel the actual organ of my heart swelling with emotion over this little life I'm living.
my peaceful ride over to Sioux Center ended abruptly when I arrived with 45 minutes to get my whole booth ready for the craft show. and then it was a whirlwind of a morning taking orders, etc. for the show. but at one point I just stepped outside my body for a minute to take a look at the situation. and there I was, with this business I created, working the booth with my sister (if ONLY that could be real life every day!!!), and people actually wanting to buy my stuff! and yeah, my heart swelled. and I felt so blessed by the way this little thing called the pinkadink has evolved into that moment there with my sister.
after that I went to spend a few minutes with my nieces and nephew. when I don't have my kids with me I enjoy them so much more bc they actually remember that I exist as a real person instead of just filling the role as their cousins' mom. :) so anyway, I was DOG tired but they just wanted to play with me, so up they climbed on the couch with me, waiting patiently while I rested so I could play barbies for about 2 mintues. (I tried to warn Hazel that I was bad at playing barbies, but she didn't seem to care. we played "speed barbies" and got them all ready to go to the ball, which was perfect, because I had to go before the part I'm bad at, which is, like, making up conversations between them and actually playing WITH them.) But once again, I found myself with a sort of out of body experience watching this 32 year old playing barbies in fast forward with a 4 year old who just thought it was awesome. and my heart smiled.
from there I was on my way to meet a new friend for supper. I say "new friend" but she's actually been in my life for....well, forever it seems. since I was 16 I guess. the big sister of my boyfriend's (now husband's) best friend. I've always known her, just didn't realize that we are like SOUL SISTERS or something with very crazy similarities. and recently we've become really great email friends, since we rarely see each other in person. but by golly, we both deserved a girls night out, so we took one. ended up at the hatchery for fried mushrooms (yep, still love them.) and a really mediocre supper. (it's hard to eat vegetarian in a small farming town like OC.) and we sat and talked grew our friendship in real life instead of email, and it filled up my little conversation tank. see, I've recently realized I'm introverted. ok, so I guess I've always known that but the recent part is that I've figured out what that means in my life. I'm very very very strongly ISFP for anyone who cares about that. :) being an introvert for me doesn't mean I don't like being with people though. it just exhausts me. and my ideal situation is actually to be with people, just maybe like, one or two people at a time. it allows you to get away from the superficial conversations, ya know? so sitting and talking with a friend and moving beyond all the stuff you scrape the surface on with everyone else was just so delightful. and then, because I felt totally jipped about the fact that I NEVER get to go out to eat, and then the one time I do I'm sorely disappointed, I decided we had better go get some frozen yogurt to numb the pain of money wasted. :) so off we went. two friends sitting and talking and eating ice cream. just what my heart needed.
after that I parked the van at NWC and walked over to the band competition. if you were never involved in field band in high school then I'm really sad for you. I've always felt like I was a musical person, and I'm very easily moved by music. the problem for me was that they put a clarinet in my hands and I was stuck. I thought about switching when i was in middle school, but that would have been way too much work, so I just stuck with band because I loved band, even though I hated my instrument. So finally in high school I begged my band teacher to let me do other things in the band besides play my clarinet, and I was the proud carrier of the POD banner at one point. :) and eventually I auditioned for the field conductor position my senior year. and that year, for the first time I felt like I was able to express myself musically, IN BAND, because I was able to be a part of it without playing an instrument. so there's a lot of emotion tied up for me in field band. It was like all the years I stuck with the stupid clarinet that I hated, paid off when I got to be up there on that box doing something musically.
so anyway, I arrived by myself, and I found the first spot on the aisle that I could bc I refused to walk down in front of everyone looking for a spot by people I knew. I kept my head down, walked to the aisle, found the first spot I could (by a random stranger) and totally annoyed her by sitting on the edge of her bleacher. but there I sat by myself, watching these bands do their thing and getting more and more impatient for the POD to perform. that was when I realized how much I belong with Steve. I literally felt my heart aching for his presence. not because I was feeling sorry for myself being all alone, but just because I know how much more I enjoy experiences with him by my side. and I was FREEZING and just really wanted him with me! thankfully my friend called me and I joined her and her family way up at the top for the last three performances. She's no Steve, but it was so much better to be enjoying it with other people! :)
when my high school band took the field, my heart was pounding. (I am fully aware this is all sounds so ridiculous to so many of you, but whatever.) If you could peek in my brain and my memories and see all the emotion attached to my own band competitions in high school, then in college traveling with my parents to watch my sisters, and all the relationships and memories that grew when you're out in the freezing cold with your friends or your family and the emotional experiences the music gives you, you might 'get it' a little more. but anyway, there's "my band" on the field, and they begin the warm up facing the back stands...to the doxology. the warm up. I was already crying at the warm up.
and then they start the show. and if you didn't have ears, you'd still be totally amazed at the art created before your eyes. and if you didn't have eyes, you'd be crying at the sound of the music, even without the drill. but when you're blessed with both, and you can see and hear at the same time, and the whole show is about Iowa, and homesickness, and you're having a seriously nostalgic weekend to begin with, well, then you're toast. your emotions, and memories, and love for your people and your town and your childhood come spilling out. for real. in tears.
after that I met up with another friend. for maybe only like 4 minutes or something. and we didn't really get a chance to get past the whole "hey! how are you? how are your kids?" "we're good! how are you? how are YOUR kids?" thing. but when you see someone who has played a really big part in making you into the person that you are, it doesn't really matter how many words are spoken, or if you only see them once every one or two years. you can feel it in your heart.
and that's what the whole weekend was. experiencing all these little pieces of my life, present and past, without the distraction of my kids to pull my mind back to reality. and really feeling them in my heart.
I've been missing my mom so much lately. and I think that's a huge part of it. She loved the fall so much. and being in orange city by myself (so reminiscent of my life before marriage and kids), feeling my mom all over the place, and talking with her old friends, and my old friends, and being with family, and just ALL of it. it made me feel like I should go home and find her sitting with her cup of coffee on the front porch swing or something. and I could just sit and talk with her for hours and try to explain all these things that were making my heart FEEL in ways it just really hasn't in a long time.
so yeah, it was a lovely day in my hometown. had a majorly dead battery in my van, so I didn't make it back to omaha in time for what I was hoping to be home for, but it allowed me the chance to go to church with my sister, and get some serious snuggle time with my baby niece, and a quick dinner with my sister's family, and just so many more little blessings before I headed back home.
and THEN...when I got home, there were signs to greet me on the door. my sweet kiddos make "i love you mommy" signs and my heart was a little pool of goo in my chest. i can't believe they love me as much as they do, when I'm such a nag to them so often!
and THEN I walked in the door and was blinded by the sparkling clean-ness of my house. now, you people don't understand. I have not done a single thing for 2 weeks except for make food and sew. my day time hours are spend playing with Maddie and Brielle, and the second Maddie leaves, I "go to work" in the basement. so when I left on Sat morning, my counters were covered in dishes, the floors were covered in smashed cheerios and spilled who-knows-what, and the table was nasty, caked with about 2 weeks worth of spills and crumbs, and the bathrooms were nasty and smelly, and the hallway was just gross, and, well, you get the point. I kept saying that I'd just get through this weekend and clean next week, and to not let it get to me. We had NO toilet paper. none. and no food. sorta. and when I came back it was sparkling clean, all of it. with toilet paper on the rolls. and almond milk in the fridge. and even though you aren't supposed to love people based on their actions, my love for my man grew. by a lot.
they weren't home yet, so I had a few minutes to just sit here and think back on the weekend. my heart still fluttering with all the emotion of it all.
They got home, many hugs were exchanged, and I took a long lovely nap with my hubby, and then the 5 of us went for a walk at Standing Bear Lake.
and GOOD GRIEF!!! if there was ever a way to end a lovely weekend, it would be with my four favorite people, swinging high as the sun sets behind them. my heart was overflowing. I am living my dream. my whole life is my own dream come true, and it's so easy to forget that sometimes!
so yeah, it's been a long break from blogging, but there are things worth remembering, and things worth forgetting. and when you have a death to remind you of how you want to be living your life, then you should live it that way. my heart needs to feel more, to be more involved in my every day life.
If I saw you this weekend, you were a part of something special. even if I didn't say a word to you. you're a part of my life. my heart. my dream come true. and I'm so blessed to have been with you this weekend. and even more blessed to be home now. :)
Friday, August 9, 2013
radiant: Katie
my heart is so heavy and sad right now, I hardly even have words to write. but I can't just go on with my life here without Katie and not allow her to impact as many people as possible, even in her death. God is certainly being glorified in her death, just as he was in her life.
Here's the thing about Katie. Every single person who knew her is grieving so intensely because Katie loved so much, and so well. It's been said a million times in the last week, but it's true, that she really made every single person feel like they were the most important person in the world when they were with her. so selfless, so good at listening, so good at asking questions, so happy to see you, no matter what.
She was 8 when I first moved to Omaha. We started attending our church and there were a RIDICULOUS number of tall, long-blond-haired girls from a variety of different families, and it probably took me at least a year to place each one with the correct family. the gronewolds, the pfeiffers, the nissens, the graszes. probably more. there were so many girls in the same age range, with such similar looks. it was crazy, or so I thought then, because now I can tell them all apart quite easily. :)
but the first one I learned was Katie. She was one of the youngest, and was so STINKING CUTE that everybody noticed her. and she was the first blondie that I placed with the correct parents, and from there I could figure out who else belonged with them. And names were a completely different challenge. at least the gronewolds were in alphabetical order. that was helpful. but the other families took me a while. except for Katie. Katie the Cutie. so easy to remember.
Lots of people told me lots of stuff about being a mom when I was pregnant. but no one EVER described the new kind of love that would develop specifically for people who love your kids really well. it started with Tabi. Tabi and Katie were best friends, but Tabi and I had worked out a sweet deal where I would tutor her in her college level spanish classes and she would babysit for trade. so Tabi very quickly became the favorite babysitter in the Hydeen house. But whenever Tabi was unavailable, Katie was always the requested replacement, and came in at a very close second place to Tabi, which of course she didn't mind. :) and oh my heavens, if there was ever a Hydeen-kid babysitter utopia, it would be the Tabi-Katie-combo, which was a dream come true for all three. like, seriously, jumping and screaming and practically shedding tears they were so happy to hear the announcement. what I wouldn't give for a video of that now.
So my love for Tabi and Katie has grown over the years in a way that probably not every mom has experienced. But to know that my kids have been influenced by these sweet girls with a crazy love for Jesus has changed my heart forever. and my kids' hearts too.
But something changed in my relationship with Katie while we were in Belize. She was so excited that we were coming. Every time we had a meeting or a fundraiser or anything, she'd walk up to me and say "I'm seriously SO GLAD you guys are coming!!!" in a soft, high pitched but not annoying voice. (everyone who knows her can just hear it now, I'm sure.) :) and she'd put her super long arms around me in a hug, but more like a side hug, but with both arms, right above my belly button. it was like the signature katie hug I think. just sweet and sincere. **ok, I just took a little break to look at her pictures on facebook to see if I could find a picture to explain the Kaite hug, and oh my. it's everywhere. not always with the front arm too, but you can see her little hand peeking out and around everybody's waist, because she didnt' ever just put her hand on your back, it was ALWAYS a hug. search Katie Nissen in facebook if you want to see what I"m talking about. love it!!!!**
so anyway, if you've ever been on a mission trip with anyone, you understand that bonds are created there that cannot be explained. She slept right next to me every single night, right in Steve's spot, and told me she didn't care if I accidentally snuggled up to her in the night. :) and I feel like I had more little "moments" with her on that trip than I did anyone else. it's the little things, like your first greeting in the morning and your last conversation at night. it's the big things like braiding girls' hair like maniacs every single day, and trying to figure out if they want the type of braids that Katie was braiding, or the type of braid that was in Katie's hair, and laughing as we work together in the "salon." on the day I was so sick, she rubbed my back like a little mama when I went to lay down, and I'm quite certain she even kissed my head. it didn't take very long for me to realize that I didn't just love Katie in a you-love-my-kids-and-my-kids-love-you way. I loved her in a I-need-more-of-you-in-my-life-for-ME way!
My forever-image of Katie the Cutie is from our day of snorkeling. I always knew she was good at swimming, like, one of the best in the state or something. but to see her in her element was breathtaking. ok, so it might have something to do with the fact that I was very much NOT in my element, but still. after our snorkeling "tour" we took a boat ride over to the shark area. and that's where we just go to hang out in the water and touch the sharks and stingrays and do our own thing. And there's me, choking on water in my snorkel and blowing salt water out my nose after screaming about the fish that almost crashed into me, and then there's Katie. She must have had her mask and snorkel on, but that's not part of my memory, because she looked so beautiful. she'd go down to the bottom, swimming like a mermaid, blond hair flowing behind her, and then she'd surface a little and blow the water out of her snorkel and head back down again. I think I spent most of that chunk of time just watching Katie. My favorite was when she swam down to the bottom, and started writing her name in the dust on the back of a gigantic sting ray. I think she only got the "Ka" written, but still, it was so beautiful. and forever etched in my mind. Katie in her prime: a week of serving Jesus and then a day off to swim in God's creation.
after she died I was having a really hard time sleeping. I'd just lay there for hours and cry for her family, and for my kids, and for me. and then I'd go to sleep and dream about her, and wake up again and start all over. I only remember one dream really clearly, but it stems from the memories of snorkeling with Katie I'm sure. In my dream, "we," whoever we all were, were rollerblading around the streets of Orange City. We all knew that Katie was going to die, we just didn't know when. And Katie and I were in different groups of people taking different paths around the town. But every time I skated past her I would just yell "KATIEEEEE!!!" and she'd turn and look at me, and blow me a kiss! I'd wave at her and show the "i love you" sign, and she'd say, "it's okay! really! it's okay!!! I love you!" and blow more kisses as she spun around on her rollerblades while her blond hair spun above her, in a way that doesn't happen in real life, unless you're in the water. and it just happened over and over, where she'd blow me kisses and tell me she loves me but that everything was okay.
At her celebration service we found out that her favorite verse was Psalm 34:5. "those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed."
for real?
if there was ever a word to describe our sweet Katie it would be radiant. she was a walking beam of sunshine, with Jesus shining through always. which is why it makes no sense that the rest of us are weeping, still. I know it's a part of the grief, but it's so not Katie. On her last night with us in this life, we had a prayer service at one of the local churches (bigger than ours!). a storm rolled in, quite fitting for our moods, and the thunder joined us as we sang and worshiped our God, and the heavens wept with us as we mourned the coming loss of our friend.
and again on her celebration service day, we drove to the church in torrential rains, as if God was saying to us, "I get it. I know. I'm mourning your loss with you." but then I saw, way in the distance, blue skies with white clouds. and I thought, wow. blue skies a-coming, even though it looks so far away. and my heart just felt like it was overflowing with emotion about it all, and about my mom's death, and how sometimes I still wonder where the blue skies are, and how much we just need Jesus to come back and rescue us from this world of sin and pain and brokenness. but blue skies are coming here in this life, eventually, and then streets of gold, and forever and ever and ever (which will make this life seem so short) with the ones we love. so when we walked out of that church to a beautiful day, I was not surprised. it was much more of a "katie" type of day.
the kids have all handled it very differently from each other, but very true to their personalities. Josiah found out first and just exploded in tears, which sent Lillian running. and she, too, allowed herself to just weep over her loss. Brielle asked what happened, then turned around and continued on with whatever she was doing. And after a while had passed, Lillian got a look on her face that she was going to do SOMETHING, and she took off to her room. Josiah eventually began asking questions like "mama, why are you STILL crying??? Katie's in HEAVEN!!!" and I thought, "oh God, please give me more of that. help me to grieve, but then give me THAT." And Brielle eventually vocalized a little, but only enough to say, "I just don't want to talk about it." When Lillian came back from her room, she had an envelope with her money in it, and a note saying "I know this isn't much, but I just wanted to help however I could." My sweet girl. She's a giver, that's for sure. Always buying things for others, with her own money. so after a nice little talk about the fact that they didn't need our money, they needed our prayers, she was still set on giving them her money. so I let her, because I sure don't want to be the one to squash her giving nature. And Katie's mom let Lillian decide which memorial she wanted the money to go toward, and she chose the Crisis Pregnancy Center to receive a $6 donation in memory of Katie Nissen. :)
I'm still struggling. way more than I expected. I think this loss has been the most significant in my life since my mom's. I've had other dear loved ones pass away, but not in a "robbed of life" sort of way. So it's just all bringing up so much emotion. such a hard loss. When we were in Belize and I spent a significant amount of time with Pam (Katie's mom) and Theresa (another awesome mom of high school/college age kids), I was really feeling the loss of my mom. Not that anyone could ever replace her in my life, but being with those ladies who had such similar qualities to my mom and my aunt, just made me really want those relationships to grow. I was telling my friend Rachel, on Sunday, that my master plan had been to make a deal with Pam that if she would be my life mentor, I'd be that to Katie, and what a dream come true that would be to me. of course it never happened, but then I found out from her sister at the visitation, that on the Saturday before she died, Averi (the sister, who also plays on my sand volleyball team) asked Katie who she would choose if she could pick anyone she wanted from church to be her mentor. and Katie picked me. (so many tears....) I don't know if she listed 4 people and I was one of them, or if she only said me or what, and I don't care. Because that one little comment made me realize that the I-need-more-of-you-in-my-life feeling was mutual, even though that sort of just makes it sting even worse.
so now here we are, with the pain of loss burning our eyes every single day. burning in our hearts. (is there some medical reason that I really truly feel it in my HEART???) left with so many questions for God.
but also with the knowledge of truth.
Katie is with our Savior, because she believed in Him as her only way to salvation.
This loss is not from God. The whole idea of God's "plan" has always been hard for me, but especially now. I don't believe for a second that God wanted this to happen. Death and sadness are not FROM God. yes, he knew it would happen, and he had Katie's days numbered before she was even born, but this death is a result of the fall of man, of this sin-infested world, and not how he created us to be in His TRUE plan.
Faith is a gift. Sometimes, especially times like this when there's so much I don't understand, I feel like I sound totally crazy for believing in God. for believing that He's GOOD. There are times when the miracles of God and the other stories in the Bible just sound ridiculous, and I wonder what I would think if other religions said the same about THEIR god. but I believe. I really do. Because God has given me that gift of faith. and I'm so very grateful for that. so that even when things don't make sense, I still believe.
Katie's life will live on. There were probably over 1500 people at her service on Tuesday, and our awesome pastor did not shy away from the truth of the gospel. and hopefully hearts were stirred that day and many will come to Christ because of the life of Katie.
I will never be the same. I will still live my life as Katie's mentor, doing my best to point out Christ at work in her life to my kids, and striving to be more Christ-like in all that I do. I am forever reminded that this is not our home, and things of this life are fleeting. and my job here on earth is to point others to Him and allow Him to work in me and through me, all for His glory, not mine. and I have had the perfect example set for me.
so Katie, sweet Katie. you are gone from our lives but never from our hearts. thank you for being a 17 year old role model for every single person in your life, no matter their age. Thank you for loving my children in such a special way. thank you for serving me, and with me, in Belize, and for our special bond. and I can't WAIT til the day when we all "sacatecas" out of this world and spend eternity forever, doing what you do best my dear, praising Jesus.
love you. always.
Here's the thing about Katie. Every single person who knew her is grieving so intensely because Katie loved so much, and so well. It's been said a million times in the last week, but it's true, that she really made every single person feel like they were the most important person in the world when they were with her. so selfless, so good at listening, so good at asking questions, so happy to see you, no matter what.
She was 8 when I first moved to Omaha. We started attending our church and there were a RIDICULOUS number of tall, long-blond-haired girls from a variety of different families, and it probably took me at least a year to place each one with the correct family. the gronewolds, the pfeiffers, the nissens, the graszes. probably more. there were so many girls in the same age range, with such similar looks. it was crazy, or so I thought then, because now I can tell them all apart quite easily. :)
but the first one I learned was Katie. She was one of the youngest, and was so STINKING CUTE that everybody noticed her. and she was the first blondie that I placed with the correct parents, and from there I could figure out who else belonged with them. And names were a completely different challenge. at least the gronewolds were in alphabetical order. that was helpful. but the other families took me a while. except for Katie. Katie the Cutie. so easy to remember.
Lots of people told me lots of stuff about being a mom when I was pregnant. but no one EVER described the new kind of love that would develop specifically for people who love your kids really well. it started with Tabi. Tabi and Katie were best friends, but Tabi and I had worked out a sweet deal where I would tutor her in her college level spanish classes and she would babysit for trade. so Tabi very quickly became the favorite babysitter in the Hydeen house. But whenever Tabi was unavailable, Katie was always the requested replacement, and came in at a very close second place to Tabi, which of course she didn't mind. :) and oh my heavens, if there was ever a Hydeen-kid babysitter utopia, it would be the Tabi-Katie-combo, which was a dream come true for all three. like, seriously, jumping and screaming and practically shedding tears they were so happy to hear the announcement. what I wouldn't give for a video of that now.
So my love for Tabi and Katie has grown over the years in a way that probably not every mom has experienced. But to know that my kids have been influenced by these sweet girls with a crazy love for Jesus has changed my heart forever. and my kids' hearts too.
But something changed in my relationship with Katie while we were in Belize. She was so excited that we were coming. Every time we had a meeting or a fundraiser or anything, she'd walk up to me and say "I'm seriously SO GLAD you guys are coming!!!" in a soft, high pitched but not annoying voice. (everyone who knows her can just hear it now, I'm sure.) :) and she'd put her super long arms around me in a hug, but more like a side hug, but with both arms, right above my belly button. it was like the signature katie hug I think. just sweet and sincere. **ok, I just took a little break to look at her pictures on facebook to see if I could find a picture to explain the Kaite hug, and oh my. it's everywhere. not always with the front arm too, but you can see her little hand peeking out and around everybody's waist, because she didnt' ever just put her hand on your back, it was ALWAYS a hug. search Katie Nissen in facebook if you want to see what I"m talking about. love it!!!!**
so anyway, if you've ever been on a mission trip with anyone, you understand that bonds are created there that cannot be explained. She slept right next to me every single night, right in Steve's spot, and told me she didn't care if I accidentally snuggled up to her in the night. :) and I feel like I had more little "moments" with her on that trip than I did anyone else. it's the little things, like your first greeting in the morning and your last conversation at night. it's the big things like braiding girls' hair like maniacs every single day, and trying to figure out if they want the type of braids that Katie was braiding, or the type of braid that was in Katie's hair, and laughing as we work together in the "salon." on the day I was so sick, she rubbed my back like a little mama when I went to lay down, and I'm quite certain she even kissed my head. it didn't take very long for me to realize that I didn't just love Katie in a you-love-my-kids-and-my-kids-love-you way. I loved her in a I-need-more-of-you-in-my-life-for-ME way!
My forever-image of Katie the Cutie is from our day of snorkeling. I always knew she was good at swimming, like, one of the best in the state or something. but to see her in her element was breathtaking. ok, so it might have something to do with the fact that I was very much NOT in my element, but still. after our snorkeling "tour" we took a boat ride over to the shark area. and that's where we just go to hang out in the water and touch the sharks and stingrays and do our own thing. And there's me, choking on water in my snorkel and blowing salt water out my nose after screaming about the fish that almost crashed into me, and then there's Katie. She must have had her mask and snorkel on, but that's not part of my memory, because she looked so beautiful. she'd go down to the bottom, swimming like a mermaid, blond hair flowing behind her, and then she'd surface a little and blow the water out of her snorkel and head back down again. I think I spent most of that chunk of time just watching Katie. My favorite was when she swam down to the bottom, and started writing her name in the dust on the back of a gigantic sting ray. I think she only got the "Ka" written, but still, it was so beautiful. and forever etched in my mind. Katie in her prime: a week of serving Jesus and then a day off to swim in God's creation.
after she died I was having a really hard time sleeping. I'd just lay there for hours and cry for her family, and for my kids, and for me. and then I'd go to sleep and dream about her, and wake up again and start all over. I only remember one dream really clearly, but it stems from the memories of snorkeling with Katie I'm sure. In my dream, "we," whoever we all were, were rollerblading around the streets of Orange City. We all knew that Katie was going to die, we just didn't know when. And Katie and I were in different groups of people taking different paths around the town. But every time I skated past her I would just yell "KATIEEEEE!!!" and she'd turn and look at me, and blow me a kiss! I'd wave at her and show the "i love you" sign, and she'd say, "it's okay! really! it's okay!!! I love you!" and blow more kisses as she spun around on her rollerblades while her blond hair spun above her, in a way that doesn't happen in real life, unless you're in the water. and it just happened over and over, where she'd blow me kisses and tell me she loves me but that everything was okay.
At her celebration service we found out that her favorite verse was Psalm 34:5. "those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed."
for real?
if there was ever a word to describe our sweet Katie it would be radiant. she was a walking beam of sunshine, with Jesus shining through always. which is why it makes no sense that the rest of us are weeping, still. I know it's a part of the grief, but it's so not Katie. On her last night with us in this life, we had a prayer service at one of the local churches (bigger than ours!). a storm rolled in, quite fitting for our moods, and the thunder joined us as we sang and worshiped our God, and the heavens wept with us as we mourned the coming loss of our friend.
and again on her celebration service day, we drove to the church in torrential rains, as if God was saying to us, "I get it. I know. I'm mourning your loss with you." but then I saw, way in the distance, blue skies with white clouds. and I thought, wow. blue skies a-coming, even though it looks so far away. and my heart just felt like it was overflowing with emotion about it all, and about my mom's death, and how sometimes I still wonder where the blue skies are, and how much we just need Jesus to come back and rescue us from this world of sin and pain and brokenness. but blue skies are coming here in this life, eventually, and then streets of gold, and forever and ever and ever (which will make this life seem so short) with the ones we love. so when we walked out of that church to a beautiful day, I was not surprised. it was much more of a "katie" type of day.
the kids have all handled it very differently from each other, but very true to their personalities. Josiah found out first and just exploded in tears, which sent Lillian running. and she, too, allowed herself to just weep over her loss. Brielle asked what happened, then turned around and continued on with whatever she was doing. And after a while had passed, Lillian got a look on her face that she was going to do SOMETHING, and she took off to her room. Josiah eventually began asking questions like "mama, why are you STILL crying??? Katie's in HEAVEN!!!" and I thought, "oh God, please give me more of that. help me to grieve, but then give me THAT." And Brielle eventually vocalized a little, but only enough to say, "I just don't want to talk about it." When Lillian came back from her room, she had an envelope with her money in it, and a note saying "I know this isn't much, but I just wanted to help however I could." My sweet girl. She's a giver, that's for sure. Always buying things for others, with her own money. so after a nice little talk about the fact that they didn't need our money, they needed our prayers, she was still set on giving them her money. so I let her, because I sure don't want to be the one to squash her giving nature. And Katie's mom let Lillian decide which memorial she wanted the money to go toward, and she chose the Crisis Pregnancy Center to receive a $6 donation in memory of Katie Nissen. :)
I'm still struggling. way more than I expected. I think this loss has been the most significant in my life since my mom's. I've had other dear loved ones pass away, but not in a "robbed of life" sort of way. So it's just all bringing up so much emotion. such a hard loss. When we were in Belize and I spent a significant amount of time with Pam (Katie's mom) and Theresa (another awesome mom of high school/college age kids), I was really feeling the loss of my mom. Not that anyone could ever replace her in my life, but being with those ladies who had such similar qualities to my mom and my aunt, just made me really want those relationships to grow. I was telling my friend Rachel, on Sunday, that my master plan had been to make a deal with Pam that if she would be my life mentor, I'd be that to Katie, and what a dream come true that would be to me. of course it never happened, but then I found out from her sister at the visitation, that on the Saturday before she died, Averi (the sister, who also plays on my sand volleyball team) asked Katie who she would choose if she could pick anyone she wanted from church to be her mentor. and Katie picked me. (so many tears....) I don't know if she listed 4 people and I was one of them, or if she only said me or what, and I don't care. Because that one little comment made me realize that the I-need-more-of-you-in-my-life feeling was mutual, even though that sort of just makes it sting even worse.
so now here we are, with the pain of loss burning our eyes every single day. burning in our hearts. (is there some medical reason that I really truly feel it in my HEART???) left with so many questions for God.
but also with the knowledge of truth.
Katie is with our Savior, because she believed in Him as her only way to salvation.
This loss is not from God. The whole idea of God's "plan" has always been hard for me, but especially now. I don't believe for a second that God wanted this to happen. Death and sadness are not FROM God. yes, he knew it would happen, and he had Katie's days numbered before she was even born, but this death is a result of the fall of man, of this sin-infested world, and not how he created us to be in His TRUE plan.
Faith is a gift. Sometimes, especially times like this when there's so much I don't understand, I feel like I sound totally crazy for believing in God. for believing that He's GOOD. There are times when the miracles of God and the other stories in the Bible just sound ridiculous, and I wonder what I would think if other religions said the same about THEIR god. but I believe. I really do. Because God has given me that gift of faith. and I'm so very grateful for that. so that even when things don't make sense, I still believe.
Katie's life will live on. There were probably over 1500 people at her service on Tuesday, and our awesome pastor did not shy away from the truth of the gospel. and hopefully hearts were stirred that day and many will come to Christ because of the life of Katie.
I will never be the same. I will still live my life as Katie's mentor, doing my best to point out Christ at work in her life to my kids, and striving to be more Christ-like in all that I do. I am forever reminded that this is not our home, and things of this life are fleeting. and my job here on earth is to point others to Him and allow Him to work in me and through me, all for His glory, not mine. and I have had the perfect example set for me.
so Katie, sweet Katie. you are gone from our lives but never from our hearts. thank you for being a 17 year old role model for every single person in your life, no matter their age. Thank you for loving my children in such a special way. thank you for serving me, and with me, in Belize, and for our special bond. and I can't WAIT til the day when we all "sacatecas" out of this world and spend eternity forever, doing what you do best my dear, praising Jesus.
love you. always.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
belize 2013
I started to write out some details about the trip last week but I just deleted it all (on purpose) because it's just too much stuff that's not important. So I guess I'm starting over and I'll just write out some of the major stuff I learned (and that I'm still learning) from this trip.
1. I am way more emotional than I thought, and I already thought I was very emotional.
It all started two days before I even left. couldn't sleep. cried all night. lots of mixed emotions about leaving my kids, plus some major feelings of inadequacy as we got nearer to d-day. Then, I lost it again in the airport before leaving (probably normal) and found myself in tears all but ONE day on the trip for one reason or another. feeling so sick I cried (possibly normal), riding on a boat (probably not normal), missing Brielle's bday (possibly normal), hearing about Steve's bad dream (probably not normal), and saying goodbye to my new friends (probably normal) are a few reasons for some of the tears. I knew I was emotional, but good grief. that's too much crying. :)
2. God can use even me. (or not...)
Like I mentioned before, I was really struggling with inadequacy. Here I was with an education degree and a spanish degree but still wondering why I was the one in charge of heading up the VBS (probably bc God made me volunteer to do it). Long story short, we did it. thanks to the awesome music team (and the fact that music is the universal language!!!) and the craft and activity teams, we actually pulled it off. I'm still struggling with the fact that it wasn't as seamless in real life as it was in my head, and I'm not even sure if the kids were impacted by the stories we told or not. But what I do know is that they felt loved by us, and if what sticks in their little minds about the love of Jesus is how they felt when they were with us, then it's a start. a seed. so anyway, all the prep work and prop finding and trying to keep it simple and everything I was stressed out about for the story time was maybe used by God. or maybe not. but he put me there for a reason. and I survived! and yes, I know he probably used it all to His glory, but I'm just saying, even if he didn't, it doesn't change the fact that I did what He asked me to do, no matter what comes of it. I'm obviously still sorting out all those feelings.
3. God at work isn't always something I can recognize.
I struggled the first few days with really SEEING God at work. I kept thinking that my heart would just be bursting with all the wonderful things God was doing in us and through us. But instead I found myself wondering on many occasions what the HECK I was doing on the trip. The evening after we got there was great, but the next day I was SUPER sick, thinking surely I was going to throw up, and wanting it even. It was the only way I could see relief in my future. But thanks to the zofran (which I was really excited about at first, so that I WOULDN'T throw up) I was completely unable. so instead I just sat there feeling like I was transitioning in labor, when your stomach is freaking out, you're sweating, shaking, and needing to puke, and just not sure how it's all going to play out. so that day was really hard, and included my team locking me in the church while they drove to another village for church so I could hopefully sleep it off. which worked. thank goodness, bc I had VBS to lead the next day. but the whole day I just kept thinking "I KNEW I shouldn't have done this! I'm such a travel whimp!!! why did God think this was a good idea???"
and then those first few days of VBS were harder than I expected just because of the language barrier (we did everything in English, but had a translator for the story, all per their request) and everything that I already talked about before. So, yeah, by the evening of day 3 I was sort of to the point of saying, "ok, God, WHAT THE HECK. where are you and why don't I feel you???" (I was feeling very brave to say that to God.) and the very next day was July 18, and if you have the Jesus Calling devotional, you should read July 18. basically it says that sometimes you feel alone, because your union with God is invisible. and then it says "ask me to open our eyes, so that you can find Me everywhere." gulp. I did it, and He showed me. in so many different ways. and I was totally humbled (and embarrassed?) that once again I put God in a box, and expected my own version of Him. but once again (he's GOT to be sick of this!) he just gently showed me more about Him. Man, he's awesome.
and, of course, after that moment not only did I see God working in many little ways, but I could also look BACK and see the ways he already was working, even though I'd missed them. Thank goodness for his forgiving nature!
4. I have a lot more anxiety than I thought.
I knew without a doubt that this trip would stretch me in ways that I haven't been stretched in many years. What I didn't realize was how crazy my mind would go with the idea of the bazillion things that could happen to orphan my three dear kids. leaving them was VERY hard and I don't normally feel that way. I'm the first to promote mom-breaks. but man, this was some "break." Every situation had my mind reeling. I'll only go into detail about one for you though. :)
so, I'm not a fan of water. I think it mostly stems from the little girl drowning in our pool in California when I was a little girl. I would just much rather be on land than in a boat, and if I'm feeling brave I'd rather be on the boat than in the water. I've been like that for many years. yes, I've tried skiing a few times. it was sorta fun, until I fell and then went back IN the water. I'll take the boat, thankyouverymuch.
oh, and also, I am not a huge animal lover. I love them from a distance, but in general, I just don't trust them. might be because my mom had dog bite scars on her face for her whole life. might be because of the crocodile wrestler guy I saw at Busch Gardens on vacation as a kid who had to RUN for his life out of the pit thing because they turned on him, OR, it might be the fact that the real crocodile hunter guy DIED, and he knew everything there was to know. so I'm just saying, I don't trust animals. only puppies and kittens, and only for a short period of time.
so you can imagine my anxiety bubbled over when I boarded a boat (where I couldn't see out the windows!!!!) for a TWO HOUR boat ride to an island to go snorkeling (swimming WITH THE ANIMALS!!!). I have told Steve many times before that he should never surprise me with a cruise. not on my bucket list. have no desire, whatsoever. we did a dinner cruise on our honeymoon and that I could handle. nice little boat. but that's good enough for me. so anyway, I don't know how serious Steve ever took me about that whole thing until Friday morning when everyone was filling the boat with excited chatter about the day ahead. and suddenly he looks over to his left and finds his bride crying uncontrollably but hopefully not-so-noticably.
I was a total disaster. I was trying really hard to stop crying and to not allow my mind to wander unnecessarily. but man, it took like at least ten minutes for them to get this boat ready, and it felt like FOR.EV.ER. It was not working to try to calm myself down. it was not working to snuggle into Steve's arm. It was not working to recognize the fact that this was from Satan himself, and I knew he'd attack me in this way (I just didn't know it would be that bad!!). Eventually, I convinced myself that as soon as the boat started to go, I had to give it to God. I did not want a miserable day of fear and anxiety. I wanted to experience God's creation in a way I never had before. I wanted to feel His peace. and sure enough, the boat started to go, and I let out a big sigh, like I was blowing it all out of me and up to God. and it worked. God gifted me with his peace, and in that one moment I knew my anxiety was gone.
ok, well that was until I got in the water and had a school of those little trumpter looking fish RIGHT AT MY EYEBALLS! It took a little more prayer for me to trust the snorkel equipment and convince myself that I could, in fact, breathe, even though I was under the water. anyway, once I realized that the fish had a ridiculous ability to not crash into people, that helped, and I actually ended up enjoying my little journey on top of the sea. I still had some major freak out moments, but thankfully Steve was there and I could make bug eyes at him or squeeze his hand when I was feeling particularly proud of myself for being in the water with certain creatures.
well, THEN...we got back in the boat and went over to the SHARKS. I'm not kidding you. I'll have to see if I can upload video on this blog so you can see what I swam with. I was swimming WITH sharks, and I touched one! and Steve held it and I didn't totally spazz out! and I touched these HUGE stingrays! me. I touched them. on purpose. it was crazy. one of our guides, though, Rex, must have caught on to the fact that I was particularly jumpy, and decided on more than one occasion to throw chum at me so that this HUGE school of fish would race right toward my face! I screamed every time and had to surface to get all the salt water out of my snorkel and my mouth and my nose because apparently I lose the proper hold on the mouthpiece when I scream. He's lucky I didn't start crying again or he would have felt bad! instead he just thought it was really funny that I did the same thing every time.
so there ya have it. my most anxiety filled day turned out to be some of the memories that will last the longest I'm sure, and certainly be the most clear. I'm so thankful to God for his peace during that day!
5. I'm a very relational person.
I already knew this, but it had been a while since I felt the effects of it. My favorite times of the whole trip were the ones where I was just hanging out with people. I LOVED being with the girls after VBS and braid-braid-braiding all their hair. they loved it. I loved it. and something really special happened because of that. After one day of doing only girls' hair, on day 2 this cute little old lady Flora (aka mi favorita) asked me to braid her hair. her long beautiful hair went down past her butt, and she wanted "two" on that day. so I gave her two. and then on day 3 a few more of the ladies asked me if I would do their hair, and by day 4 I was doing almost only the ladies' hair, and teaching some of them how to do it too! I think they're crazy because I really like Katie's (my braiding partner) style of braiding better than mine, but they all seemed to love the clean tight braids that I can't seem to get away from even when I try. :) so that turned out to be this little thing that only I got to experience-the women coming to VBS to get their hair braided afterward. It also allowed me to talk with a few of them (sometimes in Spanish, although they also like to practice their English) about the church there and encourage them to come on Sundays. it was so great.
another memorable moment for me was on Monday, day 1, when after lunch I sat down with the pastor's wife Elsa and sweet Veronica who made us lunch and asked if they'd be willing to talk with me in Spanish. So there we sat for probably a half hour, talking about families and villages and Belizian customs in marriage, and all sorts of fun stuff. I wish I had more confidence to speak Spanish here, because I know that I CAN do it, but it's just been so long since I felt fluent. So anyway I felt like God gave me that little moment to remind me that I really can still do it. :) oh, and I was also the translator for the kids. whenever our team didn't understand, they'd bring the kid to me to figure out what they were saying. fun!!!
and, of course, I can't forget about how much I loved our team bonding. we played so many fun games. most often it was UNO or Mafia. The best part to me was that by the end of the week, our "team" bonding included a bunch of our new Belizian friends from the church where we stayed (which was different than where we did the work and the VBS). We also ended up having a potluck turned worship time on Thursday night. It was so great and felt like a little slice of heaven where we all worship together in different languages, and the whole evening ended up being a HUGE blessing to everyone involved.
**OK, gotta wrap this up. I've been working off and on on this post for the last couple weeks, but it's been hard becasue (shocker) my body freaked out when I got back to the US and I've been fighting a huge cold or allergies or something that is totally SUCKING out all my energy. Plus I had Maria and the kids here for a week which was so fun but hard to blog, and now this week I'm hosting the 5 Day Club at our house (like a mini VBS). so my thoughts haven't been fully forming in this whole thing, but I have one more thing to say.
One of my favorite high schoolers EVER was on this trip with me. Her name is Katie and she's just really freaking awesome and loves Jesus and people so much. I slept right next to her all week and warned her that she was in Steve's spot so sorry if I snuggled up to her in the night. :) she's just the sweetest girl I've ever known and after a trip like this you feel really close to your teammates.
anyway, this last week she's been having severe pain in her head. She's been struggling with migraines for a while too. So she was admitted to the hospital here for a series of tests and such that could give her and her parents some answers. Things seem to keep getting worse, and yesterday she ended up in the PICU in a medically induced coma. now there are more problems and they need to wake her up today. This is all just so scary and I feel so sick about it. We are giving our presentation tonight at church and it's just so sad that she won't be there, and all our minds will be with her and her family while we gather without them. :(
so, if you're the praying type, PLEASE storm the gates of heaven with us on the Nissen family's behalf, asking God to intervene and give the doctors insight and the family peace. Pray that Katie will be pain free when she wakes up today. and that there will be no long term effects of all these complications. and pray that God will begin using this horrific time RIGHT NOW to begin drawing people closer to him. I'm sure Katie has a bazillion friends who are struggling with this right now that God can work mightily in.
I feel like I'm not done talking about Belize. if you ever talk to me in real life you'll get more bits and pieces. but I can hardly even focus my mind off of Katie enough to finish up this post. I'm sure that I've changed in a way that will come out in all my future posts, even if you don't notice. :)
God works in so many ways, and I'm just so honored that He chose ME to go on this trip, and to learn to know him more, and to be stretched and poked and prodded by Him in so many ways. I'm already thinking about the next trip and when we can take each of our kids and go back and see our friends again. I didn't expect to make FRIENDS, and after all the hard things for me during the week, I was shocked when it was still so hard to leave. so I guess the only answer is to go back! RIGHT?!?!?!?
anyway, gotta run. thanks for all the donations to make this trip possible. I didn't even talk about the money part which is totally awesome. another post I guess. probably a budgeting post. :) and thanks for all of you who prayed for me. I can't imagine how I would have survived without your prayers, since there were times I felt like I was barely surviving with them!!!
Please pray for Katie!!!!
til next time, and after I am hopefully back to 100%....
1. I am way more emotional than I thought, and I already thought I was very emotional.
It all started two days before I even left. couldn't sleep. cried all night. lots of mixed emotions about leaving my kids, plus some major feelings of inadequacy as we got nearer to d-day. Then, I lost it again in the airport before leaving (probably normal) and found myself in tears all but ONE day on the trip for one reason or another. feeling so sick I cried (possibly normal), riding on a boat (probably not normal), missing Brielle's bday (possibly normal), hearing about Steve's bad dream (probably not normal), and saying goodbye to my new friends (probably normal) are a few reasons for some of the tears. I knew I was emotional, but good grief. that's too much crying. :)
2. God can use even me. (or not...)
Like I mentioned before, I was really struggling with inadequacy. Here I was with an education degree and a spanish degree but still wondering why I was the one in charge of heading up the VBS (probably bc God made me volunteer to do it). Long story short, we did it. thanks to the awesome music team (and the fact that music is the universal language!!!) and the craft and activity teams, we actually pulled it off. I'm still struggling with the fact that it wasn't as seamless in real life as it was in my head, and I'm not even sure if the kids were impacted by the stories we told or not. But what I do know is that they felt loved by us, and if what sticks in their little minds about the love of Jesus is how they felt when they were with us, then it's a start. a seed. so anyway, all the prep work and prop finding and trying to keep it simple and everything I was stressed out about for the story time was maybe used by God. or maybe not. but he put me there for a reason. and I survived! and yes, I know he probably used it all to His glory, but I'm just saying, even if he didn't, it doesn't change the fact that I did what He asked me to do, no matter what comes of it. I'm obviously still sorting out all those feelings.
3. God at work isn't always something I can recognize.
I struggled the first few days with really SEEING God at work. I kept thinking that my heart would just be bursting with all the wonderful things God was doing in us and through us. But instead I found myself wondering on many occasions what the HECK I was doing on the trip. The evening after we got there was great, but the next day I was SUPER sick, thinking surely I was going to throw up, and wanting it even. It was the only way I could see relief in my future. But thanks to the zofran (which I was really excited about at first, so that I WOULDN'T throw up) I was completely unable. so instead I just sat there feeling like I was transitioning in labor, when your stomach is freaking out, you're sweating, shaking, and needing to puke, and just not sure how it's all going to play out. so that day was really hard, and included my team locking me in the church while they drove to another village for church so I could hopefully sleep it off. which worked. thank goodness, bc I had VBS to lead the next day. but the whole day I just kept thinking "I KNEW I shouldn't have done this! I'm such a travel whimp!!! why did God think this was a good idea???"
and then those first few days of VBS were harder than I expected just because of the language barrier (we did everything in English, but had a translator for the story, all per their request) and everything that I already talked about before. So, yeah, by the evening of day 3 I was sort of to the point of saying, "ok, God, WHAT THE HECK. where are you and why don't I feel you???" (I was feeling very brave to say that to God.) and the very next day was July 18, and if you have the Jesus Calling devotional, you should read July 18. basically it says that sometimes you feel alone, because your union with God is invisible. and then it says "ask me to open our eyes, so that you can find Me everywhere." gulp. I did it, and He showed me. in so many different ways. and I was totally humbled (and embarrassed?) that once again I put God in a box, and expected my own version of Him. but once again (he's GOT to be sick of this!) he just gently showed me more about Him. Man, he's awesome.
and, of course, after that moment not only did I see God working in many little ways, but I could also look BACK and see the ways he already was working, even though I'd missed them. Thank goodness for his forgiving nature!
4. I have a lot more anxiety than I thought.
I knew without a doubt that this trip would stretch me in ways that I haven't been stretched in many years. What I didn't realize was how crazy my mind would go with the idea of the bazillion things that could happen to orphan my three dear kids. leaving them was VERY hard and I don't normally feel that way. I'm the first to promote mom-breaks. but man, this was some "break." Every situation had my mind reeling. I'll only go into detail about one for you though. :)
so, I'm not a fan of water. I think it mostly stems from the little girl drowning in our pool in California when I was a little girl. I would just much rather be on land than in a boat, and if I'm feeling brave I'd rather be on the boat than in the water. I've been like that for many years. yes, I've tried skiing a few times. it was sorta fun, until I fell and then went back IN the water. I'll take the boat, thankyouverymuch.
oh, and also, I am not a huge animal lover. I love them from a distance, but in general, I just don't trust them. might be because my mom had dog bite scars on her face for her whole life. might be because of the crocodile wrestler guy I saw at Busch Gardens on vacation as a kid who had to RUN for his life out of the pit thing because they turned on him, OR, it might be the fact that the real crocodile hunter guy DIED, and he knew everything there was to know. so I'm just saying, I don't trust animals. only puppies and kittens, and only for a short period of time.
so you can imagine my anxiety bubbled over when I boarded a boat (where I couldn't see out the windows!!!!) for a TWO HOUR boat ride to an island to go snorkeling (swimming WITH THE ANIMALS!!!). I have told Steve many times before that he should never surprise me with a cruise. not on my bucket list. have no desire, whatsoever. we did a dinner cruise on our honeymoon and that I could handle. nice little boat. but that's good enough for me. so anyway, I don't know how serious Steve ever took me about that whole thing until Friday morning when everyone was filling the boat with excited chatter about the day ahead. and suddenly he looks over to his left and finds his bride crying uncontrollably but hopefully not-so-noticably.
I was a total disaster. I was trying really hard to stop crying and to not allow my mind to wander unnecessarily. but man, it took like at least ten minutes for them to get this boat ready, and it felt like FOR.EV.ER. It was not working to try to calm myself down. it was not working to snuggle into Steve's arm. It was not working to recognize the fact that this was from Satan himself, and I knew he'd attack me in this way (I just didn't know it would be that bad!!). Eventually, I convinced myself that as soon as the boat started to go, I had to give it to God. I did not want a miserable day of fear and anxiety. I wanted to experience God's creation in a way I never had before. I wanted to feel His peace. and sure enough, the boat started to go, and I let out a big sigh, like I was blowing it all out of me and up to God. and it worked. God gifted me with his peace, and in that one moment I knew my anxiety was gone.
see? I could even take a picture! it doesn't look that scary now... :)
ok, well that was until I got in the water and had a school of those little trumpter looking fish RIGHT AT MY EYEBALLS! It took a little more prayer for me to trust the snorkel equipment and convince myself that I could, in fact, breathe, even though I was under the water. anyway, once I realized that the fish had a ridiculous ability to not crash into people, that helped, and I actually ended up enjoying my little journey on top of the sea. I still had some major freak out moments, but thankfully Steve was there and I could make bug eyes at him or squeeze his hand when I was feeling particularly proud of myself for being in the water with certain creatures.
well, THEN...we got back in the boat and went over to the SHARKS. I'm not kidding you. I'll have to see if I can upload video on this blog so you can see what I swam with. I was swimming WITH sharks, and I touched one! and Steve held it and I didn't totally spazz out! and I touched these HUGE stingrays! me. I touched them. on purpose. it was crazy. one of our guides, though, Rex, must have caught on to the fact that I was particularly jumpy, and decided on more than one occasion to throw chum at me so that this HUGE school of fish would race right toward my face! I screamed every time and had to surface to get all the salt water out of my snorkel and my mouth and my nose because apparently I lose the proper hold on the mouthpiece when I scream. He's lucky I didn't start crying again or he would have felt bad! instead he just thought it was really funny that I did the same thing every time.
so there ya have it. my most anxiety filled day turned out to be some of the memories that will last the longest I'm sure, and certainly be the most clear. I'm so thankful to God for his peace during that day!
5. I'm a very relational person.
I already knew this, but it had been a while since I felt the effects of it. My favorite times of the whole trip were the ones where I was just hanging out with people. I LOVED being with the girls after VBS and braid-braid-braiding all their hair. they loved it. I loved it. and something really special happened because of that. After one day of doing only girls' hair, on day 2 this cute little old lady Flora (aka mi favorita) asked me to braid her hair. her long beautiful hair went down past her butt, and she wanted "two" on that day. so I gave her two. and then on day 3 a few more of the ladies asked me if I would do their hair, and by day 4 I was doing almost only the ladies' hair, and teaching some of them how to do it too! I think they're crazy because I really like Katie's (my braiding partner) style of braiding better than mine, but they all seemed to love the clean tight braids that I can't seem to get away from even when I try. :) so that turned out to be this little thing that only I got to experience-the women coming to VBS to get their hair braided afterward. It also allowed me to talk with a few of them (sometimes in Spanish, although they also like to practice their English) about the church there and encourage them to come on Sundays. it was so great.
another memorable moment for me was on Monday, day 1, when after lunch I sat down with the pastor's wife Elsa and sweet Veronica who made us lunch and asked if they'd be willing to talk with me in Spanish. So there we sat for probably a half hour, talking about families and villages and Belizian customs in marriage, and all sorts of fun stuff. I wish I had more confidence to speak Spanish here, because I know that I CAN do it, but it's just been so long since I felt fluent. So anyway I felt like God gave me that little moment to remind me that I really can still do it. :) oh, and I was also the translator for the kids. whenever our team didn't understand, they'd bring the kid to me to figure out what they were saying. fun!!!
and, of course, I can't forget about how much I loved our team bonding. we played so many fun games. most often it was UNO or Mafia. The best part to me was that by the end of the week, our "team" bonding included a bunch of our new Belizian friends from the church where we stayed (which was different than where we did the work and the VBS). We also ended up having a potluck turned worship time on Thursday night. It was so great and felt like a little slice of heaven where we all worship together in different languages, and the whole evening ended up being a HUGE blessing to everyone involved.
**OK, gotta wrap this up. I've been working off and on on this post for the last couple weeks, but it's been hard becasue (shocker) my body freaked out when I got back to the US and I've been fighting a huge cold or allergies or something that is totally SUCKING out all my energy. Plus I had Maria and the kids here for a week which was so fun but hard to blog, and now this week I'm hosting the 5 Day Club at our house (like a mini VBS). so my thoughts haven't been fully forming in this whole thing, but I have one more thing to say.
One of my favorite high schoolers EVER was on this trip with me. Her name is Katie and she's just really freaking awesome and loves Jesus and people so much. I slept right next to her all week and warned her that she was in Steve's spot so sorry if I snuggled up to her in the night. :) she's just the sweetest girl I've ever known and after a trip like this you feel really close to your teammates.
anyway, this last week she's been having severe pain in her head. She's been struggling with migraines for a while too. So she was admitted to the hospital here for a series of tests and such that could give her and her parents some answers. Things seem to keep getting worse, and yesterday she ended up in the PICU in a medically induced coma. now there are more problems and they need to wake her up today. This is all just so scary and I feel so sick about it. We are giving our presentation tonight at church and it's just so sad that she won't be there, and all our minds will be with her and her family while we gather without them. :(
so, if you're the praying type, PLEASE storm the gates of heaven with us on the Nissen family's behalf, asking God to intervene and give the doctors insight and the family peace. Pray that Katie will be pain free when she wakes up today. and that there will be no long term effects of all these complications. and pray that God will begin using this horrific time RIGHT NOW to begin drawing people closer to him. I'm sure Katie has a bazillion friends who are struggling with this right now that God can work mightily in.
I feel like I'm not done talking about Belize. if you ever talk to me in real life you'll get more bits and pieces. but I can hardly even focus my mind off of Katie enough to finish up this post. I'm sure that I've changed in a way that will come out in all my future posts, even if you don't notice. :)
God works in so many ways, and I'm just so honored that He chose ME to go on this trip, and to learn to know him more, and to be stretched and poked and prodded by Him in so many ways. I'm already thinking about the next trip and when we can take each of our kids and go back and see our friends again. I didn't expect to make FRIENDS, and after all the hard things for me during the week, I was shocked when it was still so hard to leave. so I guess the only answer is to go back! RIGHT?!?!?!?
anyway, gotta run. thanks for all the donations to make this trip possible. I didn't even talk about the money part which is totally awesome. another post I guess. probably a budgeting post. :) and thanks for all of you who prayed for me. I can't imagine how I would have survived without your prayers, since there were times I felt like I was barely surviving with them!!!
Please pray for Katie!!!!
til next time, and after I am hopefully back to 100%....
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