when opposites attract

My oldest daughter is quite different from me.

Some might call her high maintenance, some bossy, some dramatic, some super-sweet. But none of that really sums her up at all. She is the absolute most unique person I know. I'm afraid to write this post, because I want to capture her so perfectly, and really, I can't. I already know that.

From the day that girl was born she had my heart. She was the very best surprise I've EVER gotten, right along with her siblings. :) But there's something about a firstborn, ya know? I remember having these very strange feelings of jealousy when Lillian was born. I finally pinpointed it after pondering a while: it was jealousy toward my sister Angela. I realized, by having Lillian, what my sister got with my parents, and it broke my heart to know I never had that. I'm happy to report that since I now have three kids, and I was a 3rd child, I know that I had something special too. But I wasn't a firstborn.

Lillian was very loved. She was the first baby on both sides of our families. I had all but 2 of both of our siblings in the delivery room soon after she was born. We were still getting everything cleaned up from the delivery, and they were all there. She was so special to everyone. She changed family get-togethers completely, brought more joy than we had even known was possible. She stole our hearts.

And then she grew up.

Seriously, it seems like that's what happened. And now she's very suddenly this GIRL. a real person. and is she really mine? because how can she be so different from me?

I consider myself to be a go-with-the-flow kind of girl. Adaptability was my #2 on the strengths finder test. I like to think I remain calm in most situations. Things don't phase me like they do other people. I have a freaky trust in God that even I don't understand. But what else can you do??? Um...I think I have some leadership skills. But it has to be exactly the right situation. exactly. And, I'm a real home body. Some people probably think I'm really plain and boring. And that's okay.

And then, out of ME, comes this full-of-life, tons of personality, extremely social (well, I guess that has to be the right situation), beautiful little being. hm? Steve is not all that different from me, except he has this whole other section of his theatrical brain that I don't have. But when he's not on stage, he's a lot like me. And we're positive she's ours. It's fascinating, really.

But she's growing up so quickly. And last Thursday night took that thought and slapped it in my face. big time.

Steve's friend Cori works at the Rose Children's Theater. And you all know Lillian is in dance classes, so we decided to take her to see the ballet company do Swing Swing Swing. We were both supposed to go with her, but in case you forgot about the forever loving long post I wrote last week, we had a few sick kids. So one of us had to stay home. And my dear husband thought I needed a night out with my girl. So I obliged. :)

And I'm not kidding....
We're on our way to the Rose and Lillian says, "Ugh, mom? I cannot WAIT until I turn 18." I'm sorry? Had I gone mad being trapped in the house with sick kids all week? or was she really saying this...already. ????????

So I play it cool. Remember? I go-with-the-flow. :) "Really? Why do you want to turn 18 so bad? I'd kinda like it if you don't grow up so fast."

"beCAUSE, Mom! I just really have to be 18. I do. And then I can be a mom."

So we have probably our first of many talks (oh gosh...) about how it might be better to wait a while to be a mom, because when you're 18 you have high school and stuff, and it would be hard to be a mom. And then I realize she doesn't even know what eighteen MEANS so I could save the seriousness for a few years. So I do what I have found works really well with this child, and I just play along with it.

I have fought too many battles with her over things that don't matter just because I think I have to get a point across. And I know there is a time and a place for that. But most often, if I just really try to get to know her mind a little better, I see that she's not being defiant or stubborn. She's just trying to get the ideas in her head out in real life. And usually, if I just play along, then we can accomplish what we both want. I realize that this whole 4-year-old-wanna-be-18-year-old-mama thing doesn't really fit into this category, but it's been so fresh in my mind lately, so I've been deliberately trying to just get to know her more.

So we had a little conversation about her being a mom. I don't remember anything specific about it. But we were just having conversation. It was like we were just two friends having a girls' night out.

We got to the theater and she was SO excited! She shows her emotion much more than I do. Her eyes got all big, and she kept just trying to take it all in. She asked about a million questions. And not about the theater, actually, like I thought they'd be. They were mostly about people. She's always been like that. She always needs to know what people are thinking and feeling. She is possibly the sweetest and genuinely caring person I know. I hope she never loses that.


*did you REALLY think she'd leave Ella at home???*

And soon enough they started the show. I told her before it started that one of the soldiers was going to fall in love with one of the girls. It takes a few scenes before you figure out who it's going to be. And Lillian couldn't get enough of them. She kept asking over and over if they were in love yet, and every time they weren't in a scene, she wanted to know where the boy and the girl who loved each other were. So hey, I guess she's got a little of me in her after all. Ya gotta love a little romance. :)

After the show we went to find Cori, even though it was past her bedtime. She got to see Cori, and she got to see the lead dancer up close and personal. (she was totally in awe, couldn't say anything, and sat there starting with her mouth literally hanging open while the dancer's family just watched and giggled.) And then we walked to the car, and drove home, and talked to Daddy, and then...you'll never believe it...

She was still in her whole "grown up, 18 years old and a mother" phase, so she got herself ready for bed, read a book to Josiah who was waiting up for her, tucked him in, said his prayers, got her own nebulizer, and did her own treatment, all while I cleaned up the kitchen. They were still sleeping on their cots in our room at this point, so we could monitor their breating a little better, and she just got in her cot and went to bed without a peep.

I did a few more things around the house, and eventually ended up in bed thinking about the night. Lillian and I don't get too many moments like that together. I have way too high of expectations, and, while I don't want her to grow up too fast, I still expect her to act way older than she is. I expect her to do more, help more, understand more. I hate that. But that night we didn't have any of that. No head-butting, no expectations, no "parenting" or disciplining, just us. And here she was, practically growing up in front of my face. It made me so sad to realize that I miss it, all the time. I get so caught up in our differences that I have to make a conscious effort to figure out her brain, her personality.

And no matter how different we are from each other, we clicked that night. we just clicked. And I want more clicking. I want to know her better. And know her NOW. Because all too soon she WILL be 18, and I dont' want to miss it.

So I'm just going to keep reminding myself to love our differences. Okay so we're opposites. But I remember sitting at my Grandma and Grandpa Smokey's dining room table playing with magnets, and putting one under the table and one on top. And we did lots of cool things with those magnets and that table. It was like magic. And you just can't have that kind of magic without opposites.

i heart faces

My photographer friend Alison showed me this awesome website that I have fallen in love with. It's a photography contest blog, and it's so fun to just click through and see the amazing pictures. This is my first entry into the contest. Usually I just like to look at other people's. But I think I have a pretty stinkin' cute B&W picture here. :)



This is Brielle on Halloween this year. I know there's nothing too spectacular about this photo, but I couldn't resist capturing those beautiful eyes and super-soft cheeks.

Check out their website HERE and enter your own pictures! OR....just waste a few minutes of you day clicking to see other people's entries. Because really, we ALL 'heart' faces, don't we?

a really long post about sickness

Wow...it's been quite a week in the Hydeen house. Last week my beautiful niece was born, so on Thursday I headed up to OC with the kiddos and their bags. I had ONE quick day with that new peanut and then left my own kids with Steve's parents, so I could join Steve for his improv shows in Des Moines.

So...in order to beat the snowstorm, I went there and back in one day. And let's just say that leaving three kids who are with thier mom all day every day didn't quite go as planned. Lillian had been menitoning throughout the day that her ear hurt, and all three of them had a little cough, but nothing to make me super worried. After all, who DOESN'T have a cough right now? Isn't it crazy???

But of course when it was time for me to leave, Lillian's earache was added to the emotions being away from Mommy, and the poor thing was just beside herself. I will admit that I have quite the drama queen on my hands at times, but then I should also admit that I get a bit dramatic too, when I'm in pain and emotional on top of it all. So how could I blame her? I think kids just do exactly what we as adults would do if it were socially acceptable.

So there was a part of me that wanted to say, "Lillian-Mommy needs this. You will be fine. You will have fun. I'm leaving." But the part of me that wasn't sure how I was going to handle leaving them took over instead. I put thier pjs on snuggled with them a bit and put them to bed, even though I should have been on the road. Beso and Grandma were going to read books to them, so I did what I could, and the transition went better than we all thought it would.

I got in the car. I called a few people. And then I just sat there, driving. I was all by myself. I am almost NEVER all by myself. It was a rather strange feeling, but I enjoyed the quiet until I was too sleepy. And then I cranked the Wicked soundtrack and sang at the top of my lungs. I had done this before with my sisters and it was so liberating. :) But this time I was doing it BY MYSELF. I felt like I was in high school or something, without a care in the world.

I got home late, went to bed, and didn't move a MUSCLE until sometime after 5 when Steve was getting ready for work. I slept the whole night without moving, or waking, or wondering who was going to cry. I haven't had that since May when I was in Columbus waiting for Isaiah to be born, and before that who knows when! And when I got up, there was the most beautiful layer of snow all over everything. Like, the movie kind of snow. the too perfect, had to be fake kind. But it wasn't. And it continued all day, and roads were less than ideal to travel on, so we decided to not go to Des Moines until Saturday morning.

That meant that Steve and I had a night to ourselves, the night before Valentine's Day, no kids, no obligations, NOTHING....excpet an Olive Garden gift card and a AMC gift card. So we went on an {almost} free date! We had to pay a little extra for our food because we splurged, and movie tickets went up a little from when we got the card. BUT...we didn't even have to pay a babysitter! So it was the cheapest date we've had in a long time! (the ONLY date we've had in a long time, come to think of it.)

So we gather our things on Saturday morning, and head out the door. We get about a mile down 132nd and I realize I forgot my purse. We turn around. I grab my purse, and resist the urge to grab some snacks. Just get the purse. Success.

We head back on the road, get about 20 mintues from home, and realize that neither of us grabbed our suitcase! So we get off on 42nd, check the trunk, and get back on the interstate, heading for home. We totally could not believe it. This is the type of thing that drives my anal husband CRAZY, by the way. I found it rather amusing. :) Oh, and remember how I wanted to grab a snack? If I would have, I would have seen the bag that we didnt' pack, and it would have saved lots and lots of time. oh well. But you better believe I grabbed a snack the second time. :)

We finally made it to DM in time for a nap. :) Then as we were getting ready for supper, Carla called and said that Josiah had a fever of 104. We had been in pretty frequent contact with her, so this seemed a little out of the blue. He just woke up from his nap with it. But Tom and Carla had VDay plans, so my aunt and uncle took the kids. And guess what. Josiah puked all over my uncle and himself. Poor guy. and poor Jim!

Steve's show was fun to watch. I don't get to watch too many these days, so it was fun to see him perform. Not so much a fan of sitting by myself in a crowd of 160 people on Valentine's Day. I felt like people were staring at me with the "poor girl, here by herself on Valentine's Day" look. Like I said before, I"m just not used to being alone, so I probably looked a little uncomfortable in my skin....

After the show, we headed to a martini bar for a bit (after a quick pumping stop at the hotel with no fridge, so I had to DUMP it down the drain! ugh....) and then back to the hotel. We got going around 10ish, and the original plan was to drop Steve off in Omaha, and I'd go stay in OC one night so I could be there for my great uncle's funeral on Monday. But since we heard Josiah was sick, and we knew Lillian probably had an ear infection, we thought we'd just go and get them together and get everyone back home.

We made it just in time for the visitation, grabbed a quick peek at Hazel, stopped to get the kids, and I made a few pinkadink visits to friends. I went back to the house, scarffed down some supper (corndogs, yes!) and we were on our way. At about K Products, or Staples now I guess, Lillian said, "is it bedtime yet?" Before we could even get the word "soon" out of our mouths, she had zonked out in the back seat. Josiah and Brielle soon followed suit.

It was a long but quiet trip back to Omaha. We got home, got everyone in bed (Brielle in her crib, and the other kids on thier cots in our room so we could get to them quicker with the bucket if need be....), and by the time Monday morning came around I decided I needed to take all three kids to the doctor.

and of course the only time available was at 1:50, smack dab in the middle of naptime. I took it.

First he checked Lillian. She had an ear infection; she wasn't over-reacting in OC after all; and she also had a sinus infection. great.

Then he checked Josiah. He had "a whopper of an ear infection" and a sinus infection. great.

Then he checked Brielle, and said she was the sickest one of them all. I vaguely remembered the nurse saying that she had a fever. But she was the only one that I didn't think NEEDED to be seen, but I thought I'd have him check her anyway. I did think it was strange that she'd had a particularly long nap right before the trip, and I had to wake her up to eat so we could go to the doctor. And she felt a little warm, but she just woke up from a three hour nap, so I didnt' think anything of it....

OK, so he says she probably has pneumonia, and she needs a nebulizer treatment, and a chest xray, and an RSV test. pronto.

GREAT! How in the heck was I supposed to do that exactly? With two other sickos in tote? So I called back up, and told steve I could use a little help. It took everything I had to not break down a cry right there in the doctor's office. I think Steve heard that in my voice. You pick up on those things when you're together for 11 years. :)

So Steve got there just in time for the xray. And the lady asked that awkward question about if I could be pregnant or not, and prefaces it with "Okay, you're going to think I'm crazy, but I have to ask you...." And I say, "um...well...I guess there's a CHANCE." what in the heck are you supposed to say? awkward.

i decided to have Steve stay in there, because the last time I was in an xray room, for Lillian's potty thing, they asked me that, and I said NO, and it turned out I WAS, and for 8 months I worried that I hurt my baby by being in that room. That was a run-on sentence. :)

anway....in the end, she didn't have pneumonia, just RSV. but jeepers, that was a little more than I could handle. So we all went home and thus started the week of trying to remember who got what medicine and when and how much, and the passing of the nebulizer mask. It's been quite the albuterol party here. If you have kids who've been on that stuff, you know what I mean by "party." and if not, then be very very grateful. :)

Okay, to make a really long story short (ok, well, shorter than it could be), we ended up back in the dr.'s office on Wed with Josiah after kind of a freaky reaction to his medicine. He was ticking and doing some other weird things that we didn't quite feel comfortable with. BUT...now he's on the one that gives him diarreah instead, and we'll definitely take that. :)

And I think it's safe to say that we're on the mend. Josiah FINALLY responded to the medicine, and although if you heard him cough (or any of them cough I guess), you'd think otherwise....we have come a long way.

Lillian was even good enough to go on a "girls night out date" with me last night. But that's another post for another day. soon, though, before I forget it.

They are all three sleeping right now, and instead of doing the millions of daily chores that have gone undone for a week now, I sat here writing this. It'll get done. And some day, when I have a sick child, and I wonder if it could get any worse, I'll sit down at the computer and find this post, and remember what it was like when all three were sick.

and hopefully it will be a very, very distant memory....

Hazel Faye

OH, how easy it is to forget how little newborns are! Brielle is only SIX months old, and felt like a giant next to tiny little Hazel.

She is absolutely perfect-she looks perfect, smells perfect, and barely cries. :)

I dropped my kids of with Steve's mom after we visited for a while, and then I went back to the hospital and took Hazel out for about an hour and a half, just watching her, talking to her, walking with her, loving her. Oh, and taking pictures of her. :) This is the very first time that I got to be with a sister's baby this early in its life. I never got to see Elliot or Isaiah while they were still in the hospital, so it was such a treat. There is nothing quite like being an auntie.

So, here are a few of the pictures I took of my lovely niece.


Click HERE if, like me, you just can't get enough of her. :)

waiting not-so-patiently

My sister Maria is about to have a baby. She was due yesterday, and we're not very good at this waiting thing. So we decided to do something positive, instead of complaining about our lack of neice/nephew and cousin.

Here is a video message to Maria and the baby. :)

you know...that really ugly, squishy face, snot-dripping type of cry...

Last year, the day before Father's Day, we went out to eat at Red Robin. While we waited for our food, we gave Steve his hand-made father's day cards, because I refuse to pay four bucks for a card, even if they CAN put my feelings into words better than I can. After a delightful Banzai burger and bottomless steak fries, we load the kids (only two at the time, weird..) into the car. Lillian makes some announcement that there is a surprise for Mommy at home too.

My mouth starts watering as I imagine the surprise ice cream treats in the freezer waiting for us at home. I am sure it MUST be ice cream of some sort. Yum...it has to be ice cream.

So, as any polite gift receiver would do, I just don't mention anything when we get home. I just wait. We put the kids to bed, and still no ice cream....weird. It must be ice cream with peanut butter in it that Lillian can't have, and we'll just enjoy it later! mmmm......

It all gets a little murky in my memory at this point, but here's what I DO remember. Steve and I were sitting in the basement watching something, a movie, or tv or something. And he says, "Oh, I gotta go get your surprise." and my mouth starts watering again.

I am only halfway paying attention to him has he plops this HUGE gift bag on my lap. STRANGE...being as it was a Father's Day celebration type of day. But let's not pretend I wasn't excited for myself. :) It was a huge present, in a bag I didn't recognize. There was tissue paper on the top, so I moved one of the pieces and caught the tiniest glimpse of what was in the bag... and I lost it.

I do not remember any one moment in my life that has been filled with so much emotion, ever. Well, good emotion anyway. I have had plenty of instantaneous cries in my life, but never good ones, like this. And believe me, I cried. hard.

About, oh...5 years or so ago, when I knew I was having a baby girl, or wait...was she already born? I forget when it was. Anyway, my mom was taking a quilting class, and I really wanted her to make a quilt for Lillian. So she and I (and possibly some sisters, I forget that too) went to Joann's fabric store in Sioux City. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but we spent HOURS in that store looking for material that I want or she wanted on this quilt. There is a LOT of fabric in Joann's.

So we finally got all the material, and she took it home and started the quilt. Every once in a while she would show me her progress, and she had quite a few of the squares already done.

and then she got sick.

and she didn't work on the quilt.

and then she died.

and the finished squares and extra material sat in her closet.

I was trying to figure out if anyone I knew quilted, because I really wanted that quilt done. I even thought about learning to quilt myself, just so I could finish it. All the scraps in a big huge bag in her closet were just too much of a reminder that she wasn't coming back to finish it. It was killing me.

And the next thing I knew it was in a huge gift bag covered with a few pieces of tissue paper. and now my tears as well. finished. the whole thing. A huge, beautiful, pink quilt.

Steve and Maria had worked together (or maybe mostly Maria) to get that quilt finished, and I'm forever grateful. It's not for Lillian. It's for me. I'm keeping it. I know that it's the type of thing that I'll get WAY more out of than she will. So I'm keeping it for me.

And whenever I have one of those days, where I just miss my mom, and I imagine myself just picking up the phone and calling her like so many other daughters do, or I'm particularly aware of her absence in my kids' lives, or whatever.... Whenever I need a little fix, I curl up in my quilt and cry a little. And it's as good as it can get for now.

even better than ice cream.

no accessories...

...but still pretty cute. :) With all the girlie pictures being snapped in this house lately, I wanted to capture the sweet simplicity of my only boy.

And we're off!

The Pinkadink is open for business! Check out www.thepinkadink.com!

*sneak peek*