since you're all wondering... :)

My dad gets married tomorrow.

The brave people have actually asked me how I feel about it. And everyone else just looks really wide eyed and awkward when they "your dad? are your parents divorced?" and I respond with, "no, my passed away a while back."

So I figure most people are wondering how I feel about it. So I thought I'd document it before the big day. So here goes:

I have no idea what emotions I'm feeling, let alone how to talk about them.

and I'm tempted to leave it at that.

But I've realized the last few years that blogging really helps me identify feelings better, and to work things out in my head. There's a lot going on, so let me see if I can put some words to it.

Their story is so sweet:
Both my dad and Judy were married for a long time to their spouses. They both had the HORRIBLE experience of watching their spouse suffer and die from cancer. They know what each other have been through. They actually met at the hospice grief support group for spouses. And they started dating. and it's SOOOO sweet.

except for the fact that it means my mom died. and Denny died. and that just seems so wrong. It's been really fun to get ready for this big family event. Except that it really kinda feels like a slap in the face that once again we are having this wonderful time as a family but my mom's not there. We've had a few of those moments in the last 4 and a half years. But nothing as major as a wedding since RIGHT after she died when my sister got married.

and not only will my mom not be there, but her family won't either. and it totally makes sense. don't get me wrong. I'm not wishing my dad had invited them. The guest list is very basic. Dad and Judy's siblings and their spouses, and the kids and grandkids. so don't feel bad if you aren't invited. :) But we've never had a wedding in our family where my mom's side hasn't been represented. so that's just weird. and hard.

of course I'm not SAD that my dad's getting married. I'm thrilled for him. And I know it's exactly what my mom would want. without a doubt.

It's just so emotional in so many ways. ways I didn't expect. The fact that the wedding is happening only because of the fact that my mom is gone is hard to escape.

But as far as Judy goes: YES, we LOVE her! YES, she's great! YES, the kids are totally thrilled! I've always said that if there was another person who would love my kids as much as my mom would have, it's Judy. I'm SO sad that my kids don't get to know my mom. It kills me. But they have never known a life without two grandmas, because Judy stepped up in every way. And that's what really matters to me. I don't need anyone to replace my mom. And Judy gets that. But I DO need my kids to have a grandma on my side. and they have one. and now they FINALLY get to call her "Grandma Judy." :)

So, I'll probably be a bawling baby tomorrow. tears of joy. tears if sadness. tears because I just have no idea to describe what I feel, and it's really hard.

But once we get past the EVENT of it, things will be back to normal. it's just the EVENT that's bringing all the emotion, not the marriage.

But FIRST (well, after the wedding but before the "back to normal" part), my three kids and I and my three sisters and two brothers-in-law and one brother and four nephews and 1 niece will be heading to a cabin in MN for a few days to hang out. And I certainly know how I feel about that. :) and I'm also certain about how I feel that my husband can't come. :(

so there you have it. a bunch of words that STILL don't describe how I'm feeling right now. But that's all I'd be able to say to you if you asked, but now you don't have to ask. and you don't have to not ask either and look awkward. :)