(four score and) FIVE YEARS AGO...

It feels like it really could be four score and five years ago. I can't remember what life was like without her. And I feel like she's been with us forever. But she's only five.

and I think, seriously? We've lived all that 'life,' and it's only been five years?

Of course I remember the day she was born. It was a long long long day. It turned into a potential emergency c-section, but then bam! there she was! (well, not really bam.) and my life was changed forever.

My heart had no idea what it was in for.

and here we are, only five years later, with a PERSON on our hands. A person with thoughts, feelings, and words that are HERS. A girl with a huge heart and gift of empathy. who loves princesses, and dolls, and all things pink. A girl who looks an awful lot like her mommy at that age, but has a personality all her own. A girl who is dying to be Elpheba for Halloween. a girl who told her mommy, "it's okay mommy, you don't need makeup to look beautiful" and still loves her after forgetting her birthday cupcakes for her preschool class.

I had no idea I would love so deeply. I had no idea I COULD love so deeply.

Happy 5th birthday Lillian Grace. Your life has changed me forever, and I know it will change others forever too. I love you.

9.21.04


9.21.09

never let go

So, Brielle started walking. And this whole process has really got me thinkin...

She's really been able to walk for a while now. She could do it. She just wouldn't. So she'd hang on to my hand, and not let go. not for anything. And if my hands were busy, she'd hold my leg.



It was like she felt like she could do ANYTHING, as long as she was holding on. She'd be so excited about the littlest things, and look up at me with big eyes, hoping for approval. But she didn't want to let go.

And then every so often, she'd test the waters. She'd take a step or two on her own. But that's it. A step or two. And she'd come back and grab my hand, feeling safe again. But every so often she'd fall flat on her face before she came back to me. She'd come crying, and I thought she'd never let go again.

Yet sometime this past weekend she walked a little more. She'd start at the couch and walk away, only to turn around and head back to the couch again. Little circles, but always back to where it was safe.

And I realized that I want to be like that.

I want to NEED my Father's hand in mine. I want to think I can do ANYTHING when I'm holding on. I want to know the ONLY safe place. And if I can't reach His hand, I want to hold on to His leg. Anything to feel close, to feel safe. And if I try things out on my own, I want to run back to Him. I want to turn myself right around and go back to safety.

I think a little two often I think I can do it on my own. so I do. And I fall flat on my face. And when it hurts, I realize why I fell. I can't do it on my own.

I want to never let go.

the after preschool post

if you haven't read the before preschool post yet, read that one first to hear about leading up to this very special day.

as for this post:

well, one day down and not much to share! Lillian said preschool was "awesome" and she got to be the helper today! She did things like call on the class with a pointer thing, lead the line to the playground, put the sign up for the parents to come, and probably other things that she's too exhausted to talk about.

and they made some rules. and got new shirts.

all in all, it was a great day.

that's about all I know. And I think she'll sleep well tonight. :)

the before preschool post

Okay. We survived. Lillian is, as I type, in her first day of preschool.

This past weekend we were camping, and I reminded her that 'the day after tomorrow' she would go to preschool. And she freaked out. Like, loud whooping and hollering type of freak out, early in the morning. And she said, "Mom! I've been waiting SO LONG for this day! I get to go to PRESCHOOL!" She was pretty excited.

And last night we were talking about our big girl. I was pretending to be the teacher, and asked about everyone's long holiday weekend, and she told me all about camping with her aunties and making s'mores, her favorite part.

She was still excited, but I could tell that there was a little more apprehension now that it was real. So I talked about fun stuff, like when she'll get to be the star student, and bring five things to show that are special to her and tell about her. And she said, "like my HOPE rock?" Her hope rock is a rock that was actually my mom's. When Maria and I were cleaning out her old stuff, I found an old pink purse, with her license and tons of stuff in it, including the hope rock. So I thought Lillian would love to have it, and I was right. But she hasnt' talked about the hope rock for months. But I guess it's pretty special to her. :)

So she finally went to bed after lots of "but mommy I'll miss you"s and such. I was a bit concerned taht she'd be stuck to my leg crying, or even worse, trying NOT to cry when I left her at preschool the next day.

But today was another story. She woke up excited, and even got herself dressed. The only problem was that the outfit was terrible. She chose and orange shirt with a pink plaid skirt. I did all but beg and plead with her to pick a different outfit, but when she told me that it was really important to her to wear these clothes, I decided I was being ridiculous, not her. So instead of all the adorable MATCHING outfits that sit waiting in her closet (thanks Grandma Carla!), she chose that one. and after a very LONG morning full of BOREDOM (her new thing...always being bored), it was time to eat lunch and go to preschool.

So we did.

We dropped her off, helped her put her supplies in the supply pile, took a few pictures, and out we went. I didn't cry. She didn't cry. She just looked at me and said, "Mommy, I love you so much, and I'm so excited, and I'll see you at 3:00." (She wanted to say the 3:00 part because that's waht Hannah said.) :)

I'm not sure if it was because all the other moms were there totally holding it together, or because I was so concentrated on getting my double stroller up and down the ramp and into the little portable classroom, or what, but I left the classroom with dry eyes. :) Until I got to the van. And then I cried. But just a little.

On our way home I heard this little peep from the back seat. "Mama? I want Gracie." Over and over and over again. The whole way home. Bless his little heart. He's NEVER been without his big sister, except at MOPS a few times last year. It totally broke my heart. into a million little bits. That part was probably harder than leaving Lilian.

Okay, so in a half hour we go and get her again. Steve had to be at work at 5 am today, so he's leaving early so he can be there to pick her up too. I'm so excited. I know she'll love it.

All my fears are conquered. I survived the parking lot/drop off thing, which I was very concerned about. I found out that there are at least THREE kids in her class that have food allergies, so she's not the only one with separate snacks, etc. AND, she was still excited when I left the building. So far so good.

Here's a little video and a few photos of our big girl BEFORE the big day:









Okay, and for the video you have to turn your neck a little. :) sorry...I always forget that. And I just have to say that she got the "stage presence" from her daddy. I guess it's more "camera presence," because it does NOT exist on stage lately. (she won't even do free dance during her dance class bc she thinks all the moms are watching her.) anyway, she definitely 'turns it on' for the camera. :)

the winds of change

Today was a rainy rainy day. It was such a bummer to not go play outside. And today it really hit me. My life is going to dramatically change next week. For almost forever.

Yes, next week I start babysitting N (gotta do the initial thing again, sorry. but at least it's not as confusing as I). But that won't seem like major change. I'm ready for that. I'm excited for that. He'll just blend in here. :)

But the change that will be almost forever is the school thing. okay, so it's only a preschool thing, but still. This is the very last week of my life for a REALLY long time that I don't have any kids in school every day. I mean, think about it...for the next 23 years or so I'll have kids in school (if they go to college). No more random quick trips to Orange City. No more day trips to the lake. (well, maybe in the summer I guess, if I'm not babysitting.) It's so strange. I'm kinda sad.

So, on one of the very last days of our life in this phase, Lillian decided to take it all in, rain or shine. here's my so-excited-for-pre-school (and the fact that she doesn't need quiet time anymore) girl, livin and lovin being a kid. (forgive the bad photography, but I was not about to head out there with her just for the sake of clear pictures.) :)







and an air shot!


Well, winds of change, feel free to take your time blowing over here. I kinda like this phase.