One Proud Mama

Hello all!

I know I have a few things to catch up on with this blog, but I wanted to share some video of my sweet girl's very first dance performance. :)

So here's a little of the story:

Melinda came up on Fri night to help me get ready for my vendor event for the pinkadink. I pulled my first ever (I'm pretty sure) all-nighter and have no idea where the time went. I don't think I EVER did that in college, and here I am a mom of three, staying up the WHOLE night. Mel stayed up with me, and then slept for a couple hours in the morning before we left. She was a wonderful help.

Saturday Mel and I worked the event while Steve handled all the kids, making sure Lillian got to her rehearsal, picking her up again, carting the kids around, cleaning the WHOLE kitchen (which was still a mess from supper the night before), and being superman. When we got back, we were DOG tired, and wanted to sleep. Maria and Tyler were going to be here soon with "baby Hazel" so Steve took the little kids to the grocery store to get some grillin stuff for supper. Mel and I zonked out while Maria and Tyler entertained Lillian I guess.

We got up, ate supper, put the kids to bed, and babysat Hazel while M&T went on a birthday date (happy birthday Maria!). After they got home we all pretty much went to bed. Oh! And somewhere in there Christa arrived too! I wasn't too tired to notice, but I was too tired to remember when it was. :)

So Sunday rolls around and Steve and I both teach sunday school. We get up pretty early thinking we have plenty of time to get everyone ready. nope. we were running way late, thought we were going to miss half our own Sunday school classes, but ended up getting there only about 10 minutes late. And somehow we don't have a speeding ticket from our trip there. amazing.

During church we had Maria, Tyler, Hazel, me, Steve, Lillian, Josiah, Brielle, Melinda, and Christa all in one row. I have no idea what the sermon was about except that it involved to weirdly named women who didn't get along. And if my pastor would ever read this, which I'm pretty sure he won't, I could not even feel bad for writing it. Because there's no way he doesn't know I was not paying attention. When you ahve that many people and kids in the second row, there's no hiding it.

After church we went to Red Robin for lunch. And then it was time for the performance...

Here are a couple short videos. Don't feel like you have to watch them all, but there are some aunties and uncles that didn't get to see the show, so they probably want to watch them all. (And...the song that she knew the BEST was on the video that's too big for blogger. So that's the one with the link to facebook.) For these videos, she kinda looks like she doesn't know what she's doing, but hey, she was definitely worshiping God. :)










For the one she knew really well, click here to see it on facebook (you might have to be my "friend" to see it. I can't figure out how to show everyone like I can do with the pictures)!

She was so fun to watch! I could tell she was really having fun, even if she was feeling a little insecure. :)

But the best part was at the end. After the group dance they all "followed the leader" and ran out the aisles to the back of the theater. And I saw Lillian get off the stage in the line, and then I scooted over to the aisle so I could give her a high five, but she never ran past me. So then all the big kids started running by me, and I had no idea where she was. So after they all passed, I quick stood up to see if she was still down by the stage. And there she was, all by herself, like the kid who doesn't know what to do after the children's sermon at church. Except this was a HUGE dark theater, and I could tell she was scared. So I stand up in the aisle and wave at her to come, and she spotted me.

Her face totally lit up, and she yelled "mommy!" and came RUNNING so fast to me with a HUGE smile on her face. And I started crying. It wasn't the first time I had cried that afternoon, but that last moment made me so proud. And I think I felt her fear when she didn't know where to go, so they were partly tears of relief when she found me too I think. :)

But it was a great day.

And I was one proud mama.

"daddy's home"

I'm hiding out in the basement.

It's been a long day. Steve's working long hours at work, and that makes for long hours at home too. I'm doing shockingly well with all this. If you know me at all, I'm not really the kind of person who handles time away from my husband very well. I need him. :)

But tonight, I just couldn't do it. I got in over my head making cheese cake...NEVER AGAIN. So since he was home late, and he was bringing the cream cheese, we made it late, and then bedtime started late....you know how it goes.

So I asked him if I could clean the kitchen and he could put the kids to bed. I had been ready for their bedtime long ago, but he hadn't had any time with them. So he put them to bed. I cleaned the kitchen to the sound of giggling and toothbrushing and love.

And then I came to hide downstairs.

And as I'm writing this, I still hear it. They are so happy that he's home. So happy that he doesn't have to work tomorrow. So happy.

And I'm happy that I'm down here, just far enough away to love the sound, but keep my sanity. :)

the jerk who sells the hairbows

oh man...

On Saturday we were at the park. After a few minutes of being annoyed with the "big kids" talking about wee wees, penises, pieners, etc, I was glad to see a lady with a few younger kids arrive. There were two little girls that Lillian decided to tag along with, and one had a headband thing with a scarf type thing attached to it to cover her balding head.

It was pretty obvious that the girl didn't have any hair.

One thing I'd LOVE to do is figure out how to get my pinkadink stuff into a pediatric cancer facility of some sort, but I haven't figured out how to go about that type of thing yet. So when I saw this girl, I knew I wanted to give her one of my beanies with a flower so bad. I thought about how I love putting bows and such in Lillians hair, and this girl doesn't ever get to wear bows.

I shaved my mom's head the first time she got cancer. It was all falling out, and she didn't want to go through that terrible process, so we just shaved it all off. We saved some bangs and some long hair, glued and sewed it onto some velcro, and sewed velcro into all her new hats so that we could attach her real hair into the hats and she'd feel a little more normal. I fought back tears the entire day we worked on that. I knew it was a big deal to my mom to not have hair. I'm sure anyone who loses thier hair wants to find some way to look or feel normal. And I kept imagining my trying on all her hats and scarves...

And I found some courage. I knew that if my daughter had something that touched another mom's heart, and they wanted to bless her, I'd want them to get the courage to ask me.

so...I walked over to thier side of the park. I had gathered from conversation that one of the girls' names was Zoe. The other girl (with the scarf) was hiding behind a tree. Since Lillian was playing with Zoe, I decided to strike up conversation.

"So, is Zoe your daughter?"
"No. Alicia is. Zoe is a friend."

Perfect opportunity for me to say, oh, is Alicia the one with the scarf? And that would have been a rather acceptable segue into that coversation.

but i say nothing. dummy.

So then I have to get all my courage up again and just bring it up out of the blue. The mom had moved to a different area (away from me...I can't take a hint) so I just kept walking around the park watching my kids. I finally do it. I just walk over there. Intentionally, so that i have to say something otherwise I'll look like even more of an idiot.

"Is your daughter getting chemo?"
I know that some people have a serious problem with the word 'cancer,' so I try to be sensitive and blame the chemo, not the cancer.
"No."

okay great. crap. What the heck was I supposed to say now? She obviously didn't want to talk about it. And I obviously WAS talking about it. I couldn't just walk away. Then she'd just think I was nosy instead of caring...

"Oh, that's good!"

silence.

"So...she just doesn't have a lot of hair?" I'm a jerk. That was obvious.
"no. it's an auto immune thing."

okay...here goes.

"well, I just started this business where I sell hats and flowers and hair bows and stuff, and I'd love to give her a hat if you don't mind."
"um...that'd be okay I guess."
"can I get your address so I can mail it to her?"

I figured she didn't want me to come over with it. I can tell when people have had enough of me.

"well....sure."

NOTHING. I was so nervous and embarassed and I wanted to cry and run away. I didn't realize that she didn't have a purse or anything.

"are you going to remember it?" crap.

"no, I'm going to ask my husband if he has some paper or something. I'll be right back."

I go tell Steve how embarassed I am, and I consider just grabbing my kids and making a run for it. This lady wants NOTHING to do with me. I am a huge jerk.

He gives me his PHONE to get the address. I am NOT a texter. I don't know how to work Steve's phone. I mess up about 4 times and Steve keeps fixing it for me. Finally he does it himself. She doesn't really want to give me her last name, but I ask if I need one since I'll be mailing it. She gives it to me. We have the address. and a last name. We are safe to go.

Instead, I think of another insensitive thing to say.

"I remember when my mom had cancer and she lost her hair. It was a big deal to her." (ya know, since your young daughter's auto immune baldness thing is exactly the same as my mom losing her hair to a drug.... STOP TALKING.)

so anyway, I got the address. I'll send her a hat. I'm even putting two flowers in with it. I want her love it. I want her to wear it. I want her to feel cute. and to wear bows on it if she wants.

and I never want to see her mom again. because she's probably at home blogging about being at the park the other day when this insensitive jerk came up to her....

at least now I know...

Yesterday, on the way home from church:

"Lillian, don't pick your nose. It's gross."

"Why?"

"Because then you get boogers on your finger and you don't know what to do with them."

"You just WIPE THEM ON YOUR PANTS!!!"

Yes, I'll be washing her jeans more often, even if they don't LOOK dirty.

And I know...at least she didn't say "eat them." She has yet to figure that out.

Time is tickin...

So, I am pretty sure this was taken YESTERDAY....


and this picture was taken TODAY...


WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?????

*unless, of course, you notice that my haven't-showered-in-a-few-days hair, non-made-up face, and hooded sweatshirt look is the same. that makes it seem like these two pictures really could be a day apart, instead of almost exactly two years. gotta love being a stay-at-home mom. :)

when opposites attract

My oldest daughter is quite different from me.

Some might call her high maintenance, some bossy, some dramatic, some super-sweet. But none of that really sums her up at all. She is the absolute most unique person I know. I'm afraid to write this post, because I want to capture her so perfectly, and really, I can't. I already know that.

From the day that girl was born she had my heart. She was the very best surprise I've EVER gotten, right along with her siblings. :) But there's something about a firstborn, ya know? I remember having these very strange feelings of jealousy when Lillian was born. I finally pinpointed it after pondering a while: it was jealousy toward my sister Angela. I realized, by having Lillian, what my sister got with my parents, and it broke my heart to know I never had that. I'm happy to report that since I now have three kids, and I was a 3rd child, I know that I had something special too. But I wasn't a firstborn.

Lillian was very loved. She was the first baby on both sides of our families. I had all but 2 of both of our siblings in the delivery room soon after she was born. We were still getting everything cleaned up from the delivery, and they were all there. She was so special to everyone. She changed family get-togethers completely, brought more joy than we had even known was possible. She stole our hearts.

And then she grew up.

Seriously, it seems like that's what happened. And now she's very suddenly this GIRL. a real person. and is she really mine? because how can she be so different from me?

I consider myself to be a go-with-the-flow kind of girl. Adaptability was my #2 on the strengths finder test. I like to think I remain calm in most situations. Things don't phase me like they do other people. I have a freaky trust in God that even I don't understand. But what else can you do??? Um...I think I have some leadership skills. But it has to be exactly the right situation. exactly. And, I'm a real home body. Some people probably think I'm really plain and boring. And that's okay.

And then, out of ME, comes this full-of-life, tons of personality, extremely social (well, I guess that has to be the right situation), beautiful little being. hm? Steve is not all that different from me, except he has this whole other section of his theatrical brain that I don't have. But when he's not on stage, he's a lot like me. And we're positive she's ours. It's fascinating, really.

But she's growing up so quickly. And last Thursday night took that thought and slapped it in my face. big time.

Steve's friend Cori works at the Rose Children's Theater. And you all know Lillian is in dance classes, so we decided to take her to see the ballet company do Swing Swing Swing. We were both supposed to go with her, but in case you forgot about the forever loving long post I wrote last week, we had a few sick kids. So one of us had to stay home. And my dear husband thought I needed a night out with my girl. So I obliged. :)

And I'm not kidding....
We're on our way to the Rose and Lillian says, "Ugh, mom? I cannot WAIT until I turn 18." I'm sorry? Had I gone mad being trapped in the house with sick kids all week? or was she really saying this...already. ????????

So I play it cool. Remember? I go-with-the-flow. :) "Really? Why do you want to turn 18 so bad? I'd kinda like it if you don't grow up so fast."

"beCAUSE, Mom! I just really have to be 18. I do. And then I can be a mom."

So we have probably our first of many talks (oh gosh...) about how it might be better to wait a while to be a mom, because when you're 18 you have high school and stuff, and it would be hard to be a mom. And then I realize she doesn't even know what eighteen MEANS so I could save the seriousness for a few years. So I do what I have found works really well with this child, and I just play along with it.

I have fought too many battles with her over things that don't matter just because I think I have to get a point across. And I know there is a time and a place for that. But most often, if I just really try to get to know her mind a little better, I see that she's not being defiant or stubborn. She's just trying to get the ideas in her head out in real life. And usually, if I just play along, then we can accomplish what we both want. I realize that this whole 4-year-old-wanna-be-18-year-old-mama thing doesn't really fit into this category, but it's been so fresh in my mind lately, so I've been deliberately trying to just get to know her more.

So we had a little conversation about her being a mom. I don't remember anything specific about it. But we were just having conversation. It was like we were just two friends having a girls' night out.

We got to the theater and she was SO excited! She shows her emotion much more than I do. Her eyes got all big, and she kept just trying to take it all in. She asked about a million questions. And not about the theater, actually, like I thought they'd be. They were mostly about people. She's always been like that. She always needs to know what people are thinking and feeling. She is possibly the sweetest and genuinely caring person I know. I hope she never loses that.


*did you REALLY think she'd leave Ella at home???*

And soon enough they started the show. I told her before it started that one of the soldiers was going to fall in love with one of the girls. It takes a few scenes before you figure out who it's going to be. And Lillian couldn't get enough of them. She kept asking over and over if they were in love yet, and every time they weren't in a scene, she wanted to know where the boy and the girl who loved each other were. So hey, I guess she's got a little of me in her after all. Ya gotta love a little romance. :)

After the show we went to find Cori, even though it was past her bedtime. She got to see Cori, and she got to see the lead dancer up close and personal. (she was totally in awe, couldn't say anything, and sat there starting with her mouth literally hanging open while the dancer's family just watched and giggled.) And then we walked to the car, and drove home, and talked to Daddy, and then...you'll never believe it...

She was still in her whole "grown up, 18 years old and a mother" phase, so she got herself ready for bed, read a book to Josiah who was waiting up for her, tucked him in, said his prayers, got her own nebulizer, and did her own treatment, all while I cleaned up the kitchen. They were still sleeping on their cots in our room at this point, so we could monitor their breating a little better, and she just got in her cot and went to bed without a peep.

I did a few more things around the house, and eventually ended up in bed thinking about the night. Lillian and I don't get too many moments like that together. I have way too high of expectations, and, while I don't want her to grow up too fast, I still expect her to act way older than she is. I expect her to do more, help more, understand more. I hate that. But that night we didn't have any of that. No head-butting, no expectations, no "parenting" or disciplining, just us. And here she was, practically growing up in front of my face. It made me so sad to realize that I miss it, all the time. I get so caught up in our differences that I have to make a conscious effort to figure out her brain, her personality.

And no matter how different we are from each other, we clicked that night. we just clicked. And I want more clicking. I want to know her better. And know her NOW. Because all too soon she WILL be 18, and I dont' want to miss it.

So I'm just going to keep reminding myself to love our differences. Okay so we're opposites. But I remember sitting at my Grandma and Grandpa Smokey's dining room table playing with magnets, and putting one under the table and one on top. And we did lots of cool things with those magnets and that table. It was like magic. And you just can't have that kind of magic without opposites.

i heart faces

My photographer friend Alison showed me this awesome website that I have fallen in love with. It's a photography contest blog, and it's so fun to just click through and see the amazing pictures. This is my first entry into the contest. Usually I just like to look at other people's. But I think I have a pretty stinkin' cute B&W picture here. :)



This is Brielle on Halloween this year. I know there's nothing too spectacular about this photo, but I couldn't resist capturing those beautiful eyes and super-soft cheeks.

Check out their website HERE and enter your own pictures! OR....just waste a few minutes of you day clicking to see other people's entries. Because really, we ALL 'heart' faces, don't we?